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One of the consequences of improves medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you thing the advantages of this development is outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

One of the consequences of improves medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you thing the advantages of this development is outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
Youngsters nowadays spend their free time watching TV or playing video games. The higher intensity of violence in those activities has created tensions among some of the parents. It is because exposure to such scenes has increased aggression among the children. But, this issue can be resolved by parents monitoring their offspring's activities and encouraging them to engage in other productive works. Firstly, gaming applications these days have high violence content to an extent to kill the one playing. For instance, the well known Blue Whale game has resulted in more than 100 children in ending their lives. Also, the crime scenes in certain movies or series provoke youngsters to try out the same. As a result, they use aggressive strategies to solve their problem. Consequently, parents tend to fear whether their kid would commit an offence anytime. However, there are several ways to tackle this problem. Parents must not only allot time for their kids to use electronic gadgets, but also monitor their actions. Since reporting and blocking every gaming application with violent content is not practical, parents must take the vital role in safeguarding their children. In addition to it, adolescents must be motivated in things that are fascinating to them such as reading books, doing arts and crafts. It would deviate their mind from video games and television. To conclude, violence in games and television shows has influenced teenagers to commit crimes which has indeed brought fear among some parents. Nevertheless, it can be taken care by keeping an eye on them and engaging them in areas interesting to them.
Youngsters nowadays spend their free time watching TV or playing video
games
. The higher intensity of violence in those activities has created tensions among
some of the
parents
. It is
because
exposure to such scenes has increased aggression among the children.
But
, this issue can
be resolved
by
parents
monitoring their offspring's activities and encouraging them to engage in other productive works.

Firstly
, gaming applications these days have high violence content to an extent to kill the one playing.
For instance
, the well known Blue Whale game has resulted in more than 100 children in ending their
lives
.
Also
, the crime scenes in certain movies or series provoke youngsters to try out the same.
As a result
, they
use
aggressive strategies to solve their problem.
Consequently
,
parents
tend to fear whether their kid would commit an
offence
anytime.

However
, there are several ways to tackle this problem.
Parents
must
not
only
allot time for their kids to
use
electronic gadgets,
but
also
monitor their actions. Since reporting and blocking every gaming application with violent content is not practical,
parents
must
take the vital role in safeguarding their children.
In addition
to it, adolescents
must
be motivated
in things that are fascinating to them such as reading books, doing arts and crafts. It would deviate their mind from video
games
and television.

To conclude
, violence in
games
and television
shows
has influenced
teenagers
to commit crimes which has
indeed
brought fear among
some
parents
.
Nevertheless
, it can
be taken
care by keeping an eye on them and engaging them in areas interesting to them.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay One of the consequences of improves medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you thing the advantages of this development is outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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