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one of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages v.9

one of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages v. 9
Nowadays, medical facilities are growing every day. Therefore, life expectancy is increased, and people live longer soul compared to the past. Thus, I believe that improved lifespan has many advantages than demerits. Many people opine that increasing life expectancy increases the ratio of their population and shrink the active workforce. Thus they believe supporting the older generation is a burden for the country. But, this opinion is misguided and not backed by facts. With an increasing of growth expectancy, people these days remain more active and contribute to society even in their old age. As the government raised the retirement age, old people and no longer a burden, rather an active workforce. To cite an example, professors, researchers, lawmakers, writers and many other professionals have vast experience and could contribute even more in their respective fields in their later years. Thus, when a physicist discovers a groundbreaking theory in his or her 70s, we should thank the enhanced medical research and treatment. Finally, as the number of working parents in heightening, grandparents are the last hope for young children. Older people are doing us a favour by taking most of our family burdens. Besides, people who consider no longer useful to the society due to their age, has gifted us the world we live in today with their hard work, tax money and love. To conclude, I think that medical facilities improved survival chances has advantages that definitely outweigh disadvantages.
Nowadays, medical facilities are growing every day.
Therefore
, life expectancy
is increased
, and
people
live
longer soul compared to the past.
Thus
, I believe that
improved
lifespan has
many
advantages than demerits.

Many
people
opine that increasing life expectancy increases the ratio of their population and shrink the active workforce.
Thus
they believe supporting the older generation is a burden for the country.
But
, this opinion
is misguided
and not backed by facts. With an increasing of growth expectancy,
people
these days remain more active and contribute to society even in their
old
age. As the
government
raised the retirement age,
old
people
and no longer a burden,
rather
an active workforce. To cite an example, professors, researchers, lawmakers, writers and
many
other professionals have vast experience and could contribute even more in their respective fields in their later years.
Thus
, when a physicist discovers a groundbreaking theory in
his or her
70s, we should thank the enhanced medical research and treatment.

Finally
, as the number of working parents in heightening, grandparents are the last hope for young children. Older
people
are doing us a
favour
by taking most of our family burdens.
Besides
,
people
who consider no longer useful to the society due to their age, has gifted us the world we
live
in
today
with their
hard
work, tax money and
love
.

To conclude
, I
think
that medical facilities
improved
survival chances has advantages that definitely outweigh disadvantages.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay one of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
240 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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