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One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
It is true that average life expectancy has increased significantly because of the advances made in the field of medical science. In my opinion, this is generally a positive development; however, it also means that more resources are required for taking care of the elderly. Longer life expectancy does not necessarily mean that a person will remain healthy throughout their life. Older people need medical and nursing care more frequently and they have more number of sick days per year. This means societies need more doctors, nursing staff, healthcare facilities and home care facilities to care for their ageing population. In addition, with the increase in the number of retired people the government spending on pension schemes and other welfare services will also increase exponentially. Furthermore, more retired people also means lower tax revenue. All these issues will ultimately put a tremendous burden on the working young population. However, increasing life expectancy also has many advantages to the individual, their family and the government. Firstly, the obvious benefit of this is that people can live longer with their family and travel to various places. They can enjoy life longer and contribute more to the society. Secondly, families can also get benefit from their wisdom and experience. They can give valuable advice and emotional support to younger generation in difficult times. They also take care of their grandchildren and teach them various life skills, moral and cultural values. Finally, the government can also benefit from the elderly. They can make elderly people more productive either by increasing the age of retirement or by availing their services in non labour intensive managerial community work. In conclusion, while increased lifespan has brought about many problems, in my view, the advantages of this development far outweigh the disadvantages.
It is true that average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy has increased
significantly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the advances made in the field of medical science. In my opinion, this is
generally
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development;
however
, it
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
means
that more resources
are required
for taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of the elderly.

Longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy does not
necessarily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mean
that a person will remain healthy throughout their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need medical and nursing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
more
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
frequently and
they have more number of sick days per year. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
means
societies need more doctors, nursing staff, healthcare facilities and home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
facilities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
for their
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
population.
In addition
, with the increase in the number of retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
spending on pension schemes and other welfare services will
also
increase
exponentially
.
Furthermore
, more retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
means
lower tax revenue. All these issues will
ultimately
put a tremendous burden on the working young population.

However
, increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy
also
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages to the individual, their family and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
Firstly
, the obvious benefit of this is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer with their family and travel to various places. They can enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
longer and contribute more to the society.
Secondly
, families can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
benefit from their wisdom and experience. They can give valuable advice and emotional support to younger generation in difficult times. They
also
take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their grandchildren and teach them various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, moral and cultural values.
Finally
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can
also
benefit from the elderly. They can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more productive either by increasing the age of retirement or by availing their services in non
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
labour intensive
managerial community work.

In conclusion
, while increased lifespan has brought about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems, in my view, the advantages of this development far outweigh the disadvantages.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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