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One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v.5

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 5
Nowadays, the world is more and more developed, hence the medical care is also improved so people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. I believe that it brings more advantages than disadvantages. Firstly, the conditions of living are improving, especially medical care, people go to the hospital to check their health regularly, they can detect and cure dangerous disease sooner. Therefore, people's lifetime is longer. For example, if someone finds out they have early-stage cancer, they will be treated early and sustain life. The focus on food choices also increased, people will know which foods are clean, what foods are healthy. In addition, the increase in life expectancy will help many professionals, teachers, researcher or doctors to devote more to the country. Secondly, one thing to worry about that life expectancy is increasing means the retiring age will later. Young people after graduated can not find a job because elder people are in this position with more experience. So that the government needs to spend much money to support young people and create more jobs to keep an unemployment rate not increase. But thanks to that, there will be many generations in a family living together. Descendants will live with grandparents, they will learn about many things related to history and tradition. In conclusion, the advantages of increased life expectancy outweigh the disadvantages, Life is precious and the government should spend more money on medical care in any way possible. All of us want to live longer and contribute to our family and country for as long as possible.
Nowadays, the world is more and more developed,
hence
the medical care is
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are living longer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy is increasing. I believe that it brings more advantages than disadvantages.

Firstly
, the conditions of living are improving,
especially
medical care,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go to the hospital to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
their health
regularly
, they can detect and cure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
disease sooner.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's lifetime is longer.
For example
, if someone finds out they have early-stage cancer, they will
be treated
early and sustain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. The focus on food choices
also
increased,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will know which foods are clean, what foods are healthy.
In addition
, the increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
professionals, teachers, researcher or doctors to devote more to the country.

Secondly
, one thing to worry about that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy is increasing means the retiring age will later. Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
after graduated can not find a job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are in this position with more experience.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
needs to spend much money to support young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and create more jobs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an unemployment rate not increase.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
thanks to that, there will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
generations in a family living together. Descendants will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with grandparents, they will learn about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things related to history and tradition.

In conclusion
, the advantages of increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy outweigh the disadvantages,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Life
is precious and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should spend more money on medical care in any way possible. All of us want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer and contribute to our family and country for as long as possible.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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