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One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. v.23

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. v. 23
It is often thought that one of the main effects of the developed health care is that inhabitants will experience a longer life expectance. In my point of view, I believe that the advantages overweigh the disadvantages. In the next paragraphs, I will discuss the positive and negative impacts of this issue. First of all, the happiness of people will increase. The reason for this is that they do not have to suffer from a disease for a longer time of period. In other words, they will also have the time to spend with family and socialize with friends. For example, most of the patients who are not able to perform their daily duties are permitted to stay in the hospital for the recovery process. All in all, it can increase the cheerfulness of the people because of the fact that they can spend their rest of the life painless. In contrast, there will be a significant upward trend in the numbers of the medical care. This is because, doctors and their staff will be in more pressure. The reason for this is that the community is rising. For example, in some countries patients are sent home, with the reason that there is a shortage of accommodations. So that's why, it can be negative for our future life. Moreover, this can change our great care services into poor triage. To conclude, improved medical care rises the community numbers over the years. In my opinion, I believe that this can be a great development to make the inhabitants happier and they do not have to visit the hospitals for their medical problems or not recovering in their health.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that one of the main effects of the developed health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
is that inhabitants will experience a longer life
Possible spelling mistake found.
expectance
. In my point of view, I believe that the advantages
Possible spelling mistake found.
overweigh
the disadvantages. In the
next
paragraphs, I will discuss the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts of this issue.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the happiness of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will increase.
The reason for this is
that they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
suffer from a disease for a longer time of period.
In other words
, they will
also
have the time to spend with family and socialize with friends.
For example
, most of the patients who are not able to perform their daily duties
are permitted
to stay in the hospital for the recovery process. All in all, it can increase the cheerfulness of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "because".
because of the fact that
they can spend their rest of the life painless.

In contrast
, there will be a significant upward trend in the numbers of the medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, doctors and their staff will be in more pressure.
The reason for this is
that the community is rising.
For example
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries patients are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
home, with the reason that there is a shortage of accommodations.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that's why, it can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
for our future life.
Moreover
, this can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
our great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
services into poor triage.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
rises the community numbers over the years. In my opinion, I believe that this can be a great development to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the inhabitants
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
happier and
they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
visit the hospitals for their medical problems or not recovering in their health.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. v. 23

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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