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One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v.10

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 10
Technological advancement and many researches in science has very positive impacts on human life. It has not only improved standard of life but also life expectancy of the population. Science has improved in all fields like constructions, educations, astrology, zoology and also in the medical field. Advanced in medicine and medical equipments, technology has more benefits than demerits of increase in life expectancy. In my opine, increase in life span would have more positive impact in nations rather than negative. In the opinion of many people increase in life expectancy will increases in ratio of old population and shrink in young work force. If the proportion of senior people increased than the Government have to support them as a result, it will increase the burden on the Government. This is misguided and not backed by any fact. Firstly, the more old population more increase in number of experienced persons. For instance, it took so many years to become a specialist surgeon, because it needs so many studies and practice in their relevant field. If life expectancy raises up, then chances of these skills doctors to live more will be high. In fact, this fact doesn't apply only for health care practitioners, but it also applies to all professional fields. Another observation, now a day life is becoming very struggling and hard, Both parents have to do work to fulfil requirements of their family and their family members. Working parents have to go to their jobs, So there is a problem of taking care of their babies in their absence, the grandparents are better options to look after of their grandchildren. These are the only family members which are more concern about their grand offsprings. The increase in life periods can also solve this problem of many parents, but grandchildren can learn so many things, traditions and customs about their culture. To conclude, I would thanks to medical science, so many inventions of medicines, in treatments of disease in order improve life style and save our grandparents. So more life expectancy has more advantages rather then disadvantages.
Technological advancement and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
researches in science has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts on human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. It has not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
standard of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy of the population. Science has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
in all fields like constructions, educations, astrology, zoology and
also
in the medical field. Advanced in medicine and medical equipments, technology has more benefits than demerits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy. In my opine,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
span would have more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact in nations
rather
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.

In the opinion of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "increase"
increases
in ratio of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
population and shrink in young work force. If the proportion of senior
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
increased than the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
support them
as a result
, it will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
the burden on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
. This
is misguided
and not backed by any fact.
Firstly
, the more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
population more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in number of experienced persons.
For instance
, it took
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years to become a specialist surgeon,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it needs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
studies and practice in their relevant field. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy raises up, then chances of these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
doctors to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
more will be high. In fact, this fact doesn't apply
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for health care practitioners,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
applies to
all professional fields.

Another observation,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
a day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is becoming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
struggling and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
, Both parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do work to fulfil requirements of their family and their family members. Working parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go to their jobs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
there is a problem of taking care of their babies in their absence, the grandparents are better options to look after of their grandchildren. These are the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
family members which are more concern about their grand
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
periods can
also
solve this problem of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
grandchildren can learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things, traditions and customs about their culture.

To conclude
, I would
The verb 'would' requires the base form of the verb: "thank"
thanks
to medical science,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
inventions of medicines, in treatments of disease in order
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
style and save our grandparents.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy has more advantages
rather
Did you mean "than"? 'than' is used for comparisons, 'then' is an expression of time.
then
disadvantages.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
346 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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