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ome parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.2

ome parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 2
Success in the educational process has a fabulous and influential leverage on our daily life. It is utterly important to appreciate its indelible effect on our community. Although some people hold the viewpoint that rewarding kids with money for their high marks will spoiled them and effect their personality in a negative manner. However, others may hold a different intellect and disagree with this notion. My personal experience and actual observation of life, had led me to agree with the idea that giving money to our kids for their educational achievement have many beneficial phases. In the following essay, I shall delve into most outstanding reasons. First and foremost, offer money for their high grades will encourage them to devote their time, efforts, and thinking to achieve a higher educational level. Moreover, this will make them love to learn and ameliorate their academic knowledge. For instance, they will spend more time in study rather than waste their time playing games or watching television. Indeed this will have a positive affect in their future to respond to the increased demands, challenges, and opportunities of global competitiveness. Furthermore, the whole society will be benefit for their young people as a smart, challenging, and creative people will be borne. Another reason which deserves some words, those segment of the children are more appreciable to the importance of working hard to gain money. Definitely, they will pursue their lives seak for a jobs and be independent. For example, one of my friends, her father use to give her money for her high grades, she was a hard worker and book-eater. Many years later, she own her private company with 20 employee. She mentioned that the method of her father in reward her, makes her more appreciated to the idea of hard workers deserve better income. Apparently, without rewarding this young lady, she will never become an important part of her country' s economy. Ina nutshell, judging all the reasons which I mentioned before, taking all the factors into account, I would reinforce the idea that it is extremely important to give our young people money for their academic achievement because it will push them to keeps their hard educational level and appreciate the importance of the money for hard worker.
Success in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
process has a fabulous and influential leverage on our daily life. It is
utterly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to appreciate its indelible effect on our community. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hold the viewpoint that rewarding kids with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for their high marks will spoiled them and effect their personality in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
manner.
However
, others may hold a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
intellect and disagree with this notion. My personal experience and actual observation of life, had led me to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to our kids for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
achievement have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
beneficial phases. In the following essay, I shall delve into most outstanding reasons.

First
and foremost, offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for their high grades will encourage them to devote their time, efforts, and thinking to achieve a higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
level.
Moreover
, this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to learn and ameliorate their academic knowledge.
For instance
, they will spend more time in study
rather
than waste their time playing games or watching television.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Indeed
this will have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
affect in their future to respond to the increased demands, challenges, and opportunities of global competitiveness.
Furthermore
, the whole society will be benefit for their young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as a smart, challenging, and creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
be borne
.

Another reason which deserves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
words, those segment of the children are more appreciable to the importance of working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
to gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Definitely, they will pursue their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
Possible spelling mistake found.
seak
for a jobs and be independent.
For example
, one of my friends, her father
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
give her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for her high grades, she was a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
worker and book-eater.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
years later, she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
her private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
with 20
Possible agreement error. The noun 'employee' seems to be countable, so consider using: "employees".
employee
. She mentioned that the method of her father in reward her,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
her more appreciated to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
workers deserve better income.
Apparently
, without rewarding this young lady, she will never become an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of her
Possible spelling mistake found.
country&
#039; s economy.

Ina nutshell, judging all the reasons which I mentioned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, taking all the factors into account, I would reinforce the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that it is
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to give our young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for their academic achievement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will push them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
level and appreciate the importance of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
worker.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay ome parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
376 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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