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Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.1

Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1
Using money reward to encourage students may sound unreasonable and unacceptable at first, while seeing so many evidence and thinking through it, it is indeed a very efficient method to encourage children for a better grade. Firstly, children, especially primary school students, are too immature to realize how important the study is for their future development. Parents can help them in this monetary way, which is a simulation of future gaining if they study hard right now. There are many parents using this reward to encourage and stimulate their kids around me since I was a child, and sometimes I wish to obtain some actual cash reward while my parents insisted on mental motivation. Thus, this way can be helpful for children to learn the consequence if they do not work hard in a more efficient way, when their siblings can gain pocket money after achieved higher scores in schools. Moreover, many universities are using scholarship to encourage students, which is a similar way, and it turns out to be sustainable with positive effects. When parents are using real money to motivate their children, they are under huge pressure of misleading. Personally, there is nothing to worry about, because curious children who are eager to gain more knowledge will always gain the reward and not be disappointed. At the same time, this process is a simple resemble of the real society, where people with higher scores or more intelligence with get better jobs and considerable salary. It is better letting children know the rules of the real world rather than letting them keep daydreaming all day. Finally, the worry about the unsustainability of this incentive method is unnecessary. After children have realized the benefit they can obtain from studying hard, the external motivation will be gradually transferred into internal motivation, and this won’t happen backwards. In other words, the hypothesis of the money incentive creating long-time positive effect will come true in some children’s cases.
Using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reward
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
encourage
students may sound unreasonable and unacceptable at
first
, while seeing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Possible agreement error. The noun evidence seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much evidence", "a good deal of evidence".
many evidence
and thinking through it, it is
indeed
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
efficient method to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for a better grade.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
especially
primary school students, are too immature to realize how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
the study is for their future development.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in this monetary way, which is a simulation of future gaining if they study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
using this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reward
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
encourage
and stimulate their kids around me since I was a child, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
I wish to obtain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
actual cash
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reward
while my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
insisted on mental motivation.
Thus
, this way can be helpful for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learn the consequence if they do not work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
in a more efficient way, when their siblings can gain pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
after achieved higher scores in schools.

Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
universities are using scholarship to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
encourage
students, which is a similar way, and it turns out to be sustainable with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are using real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to motivate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, they are under huge pressure of misleading.
Personally
, there is nothing to worry about,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
curious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are eager to gain more knowledge will always gain the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reward
and not
be disappointed
. At the same time, this process is a simple resemble of the real society, where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with higher scores or more intelligence with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better jobs and considerable salary. It is better letting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
know the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
of the real world
rather
than letting them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
daydreaming all day.

Finally
, the worry about the
Possible spelling mistake found.
unsustainability
of this incentive method is unnecessary. After
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have realized the benefit they can obtain from studying
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
, the external motivation will be
gradually
transferred into internal motivation, and this won’t happen backwards.
In other words
, the hypothesis of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
incentive creating long-time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
true in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
cases.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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