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Government should spend money to encourage of sport and art for school students rather than supporting professional sports and art performances for the general public. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Government should spend money to encourage of sport and art for school students rather than supporting professional sports and art performances for the general public. v. 2
This is a duty of each government to find the needs of its society and dedicate enough and reasonable budget for development of them. In my point of view, the youth needs as futurist of country should have preceded. Therefor I totally agree with the statement of question and in the following paragraphs, I will pinpoint the most important of my reasons. First, school is one of the most crucial places in society which have decisive role in nurturing youth’ talent. Sufficient time in a curriculum of school for art and sport can be beneficial for physically and mentally health. These activities can help students to express their emotions like interest, hate and anger so prevent from behavioral abnormalities like addiction. Sport and art activities can also motivate students and enhance their self-confidence. So, spending enough money to provide probable sport and art equipment can be a prospective plan to development of country. Second, successful professional activities in international level needs some facilities including suitable hardware and individual infrastructure. Like farmers that cultivate the best seed to harvest the best product, government should have paid more attention to younger persons if they would like to have an acceptable level in global sport and art programs in future. On the other hands, government shouldn’t forget supporting of professional sport and art teams because they are not only, the agent of a country in world level now but also, the qualified teacher of younger people. Youth can take advantages of their experienced and knowledge. To wrap it up, government should evaluate the requirements of society especially youth and dedicate enough budget to them if he would like to be professional and successful internationally.
This is a duty of each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to find the needs of its society and dedicate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
and reasonable budget for development of them. In my point of view, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
needs as futurist of country should have preceded. Therefor I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement of question and in the following paragraphs, I will pinpoint the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
of my reasons.

First
, school is one of the most crucial places in society which have decisive role in nurturing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth’
talent. Sufficient time in a curriculum of school for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
can be beneficial for
physically
and mentally health. These activities can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
students to express their emotions like interest, hate and anger
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
from behavioral abnormalities like addiction.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sport
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
activities can
also
motivate students and enhance their self-confidence.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to provide probable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
equipment can be a prospective plan to development of country.

Second, successful professional activities in international level needs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
facilities including suitable hardware and individual infrastructure. Like farmers that cultivate the best seed to harvest the best product,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should have paid more attention to younger persons if they would like to have an acceptable level in global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
programs
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
. On the other hands,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
shouldn’t forget supporting of professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
teams
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
, the agent of a country in world level
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
, the qualified teacher of younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Youth
can take advantages of their experienced and knowledge.

To wrap it up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should evaluate the requirements of society
especially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
youth
and dedicate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
budget to them if he would like to be professional and successful
internationally
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay Government should spend money to encourage of sport and art for school students rather than supporting professional sports and art performances for the general public. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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