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Obesity was once considered a disease of adults; however, it is becoming increasingly common among children. Why do you think this is happening? What can be done to help children stay healthy? v.3

Obesity was once considered a disease of adults; however, it is becoming increasingly common among children. Why do you think this is happening? What can be done to help children stay healthy? v. 3
For many years obesity was perceived as a condition occurring only in adult life. However, in recent years the number of children suffering from obesity has grown significantly. There are several causes and numerous solutions which can be used to tackle this worrying phenomenon, and this essay will present a couple of them. While some reasons for childhood obesity are genetic, others include poor food choices exacerbated by easy availability of fast food, insufficient physical activity and a history of family members being overweight. Unlike the former, the latter factors can be changed, if the adults in the child’s life gain awareness and are willing to take action. To begin with, health is a complex matter which requires a balanced approach. In other words, there isn’t a single solution to maintain health, on the contrary, it is rather a mixture of multiple factors, such as healthy dieting and regular physical activity. For this reason, increasing the awareness of healthy habits among children is a responsibility of utmost importance. What is more, it can be easily achieved through the education system. On the other hand, children’s education might be not sufficient enough to stop the situation from worsening. Along with well designed health education schemes, we should also try to stop food companies from overusing sugar in products dedicated to the young ones. It has been proven that more than 70% of the products available in an average supermarket contain dangerously high levels of white sugar. Sugar rich diet not only causes a significant weight gain, but also contributes to diseases, such as diabetes in young population. To summarize, emphasis put on the awareness of healthy living among children is invaluable. Furthermore, combining healthy habits with stopping food companies from overdosing sugar in products which are easily accessible for children can be effectively implemented by the governments. Positive outcomes of such measures taken today will definitely have a long lasting effect on the future generations.
For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "years'" or "year's"?
years
obesity
was perceived
as a condition occurring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in adult life.
However
, in recent years the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
suffering from obesity has grown
significantly
. There are several causes and numerous solutions which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to tackle this worrying phenomenon, and this essay will present a couple of them.

While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons for childhood obesity are genetic, others include poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
choices exacerbated by easy availability of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, insufficient physical activity and a history of family members being overweight. Unlike the former, the latter factors can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
, if the adults in the child’s life gain awareness and are willing to take action.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, health is a complex matter which requires a balanced approach.
In other words
, there isn’t a single solution to maintain health,
on the contrary
, it is
rather
a mixture of multiple factors, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
dieting and regular physical activity.
For this reason
, increasing the awareness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
habits among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is a responsibility of utmost importance.
What is more
, it can be
easily
achieved through the education system.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
education might be not sufficient
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
the situation from worsening. Along with
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well designed
health education schemes, we should
also
try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
from overusing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
in products dedicated to the young ones. It has
been proven
that more than 70% of the products available in an average supermarket contain
dangerously
high levels of white
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sugar
rich diet not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
causes a significant weight gain,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
contributes to diseases, such as diabetes in young population.

To summarize
, emphasis put on the awareness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
living among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is invaluable.
Furthermore
, combining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
habits with stopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
from overdosing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
in products which are
easily
accessible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can be
effectively
implemented by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Positive
outcomes of such measures taken
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
will definitely have a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
long lasting
effect on the future generations.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Obesity was once considered a disease of adults; however, it is becoming increasingly common among children. Why do you think this is happening? What can be done to help children stay healthy? v. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
324 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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