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Obesity was once considered a disease of adults; however, it is becoming increasingly common among children. Why do you think this is happening? What can be done to help children stay healthy? v.2

Obesity was once considered a disease of adults; however, it is becoming increasingly common among children. Why do you think this is happening? What can be done to help children stay healthy? v. 2
There is no doubt these days the obesity is playing a major role in our lives. However, the obesity is a popular health issue among the children today. Is considered one of the most controversial issues today. In this essay I am going to examine some of the overweight factors before I will write the suggest the solutions. There are many factors lead the children to eat more than their need. First factor is the sedentary lifestyle. Electronic devices, for example, are playing a major role in decreasing the amounts of daily activity. In other words, we do not need to do any movement to turn on the air condition or to open the TV or to open our outside door, everything has remote device to control it while you are setting. Second factor linked to the first one, electronic games are taking most of the children's time, so they are not playing any kinetic games such as football or tennis. These kinds of activities are helping them to burn calories and decrease their weight. Third factor is the fast food, this contributing a huge role in increasing the weight. These junk foods are having a lot of calories and contain of large amounts of fat, that is what is making it tastier. A good illustration of that is one fast food meal per day equals three healthy meals. In conclusion, we can say that we must encourage our children to join in the activity that help them to walk and do any kind of movement and we must control their time in electronic games as well we must prevent them from eating junk food and we should replace it with a healthy one. These will reduce the number of overweight in the world.
There is no doubt these days the obesity is playing a major role in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
However
, the obesity is a popular health issue among the children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
Is considered
one of the most controversial issues
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.

In this essay I am going to examine
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
I will write
After 'the', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'suggest' is correct. If 'suggest' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
the suggest
the solutions.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
lead the children to eat more than their need.
First
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
is the sedentary lifestyle. Electronic devices,
for example
, are playing a major role in decreasing the amounts of daily activity.
In other words
, we do not need to do any movement to turn on the air condition or to open the TV or to open our outside door, everything has remote device to control it while you are setting.

Second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
linked to the
first
one, electronic games are taking most of the children's time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they are not playing any kinetic games such as football or tennis. These kinds of activities are helping them to burn calories and decrease their weight.

Third
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
is the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, this contributing a huge role in increasing the weight. These junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
calories and contain of large amounts of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
,
that is
what is making it tastier. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of
that is
one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
meal per day equals three healthy meals.

In conclusion
, we can say that we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
encourage our children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
in the activity that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to walk and do any kind of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
movement and
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
control their time in electronic games
as well
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from eating junk
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
food and
we should replace it with a healthy one. These will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the number of overweight in the world.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Obesity was once considered a disease of adults; however, it is becoming increasingly common among children. Why do you think this is happening? What can be done to help children stay healthy? v. 2

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
294 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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