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Obesity is now a major global epidemic. What can be done to tackle this increasingly common problem? v.1

Obesity is now a major global epidemic. What can be done to tackle this increasingly common problem? v. 1
Obesity is now one of the main causes of preventable death, especially in industrialized countries. To tackle this problem, governments can reduce the impact of their overweight citizens by the careful use of taxation to fund alternatives to a sedentary lifestyle. However, individuals should also take responsibility for their own health by avoiding a bad diet and taking the initiative to participate in sport. It is important for governments to act quickly to curb obesity because of the rising death rate. There will also be rising costs in healthcare and the benefits system if it is left unchecked. To combat this problem, governments should first of all, heavily tax junk food and use the revenue generated to subsidize healthy fruit and vegetables. This would make healthy food cheaper and more widely available than unhealthier options. Also, the government can act by funding leisure centres, sports clubs and gyms. This money could be used to help people gain motivation to exercise and become more active. On the other hand, there are those who claim that obesity is due to lifestyle choice and therefore an individual problem, not one for the government. They claim people should find their own motivation to prevent obesity by being aware of the potentially fatal consequences of their lifestyles. Individuals could also change their diets by switching from a carbohydrate – heavy diet to one which includes a balance of vitamins and minerals. Joining a sport club need not always be the only way to lose weight. Even vigorous housework and heavy gardening can help avert heart disease. In conclusion, although individuals may be able to help themselves by changing their diets and activities, it may require government intervention to tackle obesity quickly and on a large scale.
Obesity is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
one of the main causes of preventable death,
especially
in industrialized countries. To tackle this problem,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the impact of their overweight citizens by the careful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of taxation to fund alternatives to a sedentary lifestyle.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
should
also
take responsibility for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
health by avoiding a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
diet and taking the initiative to participate in sport.

It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
to act
quickly
to curb obesity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the rising death rate. There will
also
be rising costs in healthcare and the
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "benefits'" or "benefit's"?
benefits
system if it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
unchecked. To combat this problem,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
first of all
,
heavily
tax junk food and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the revenue generated to subsidize healthy fruit and vegetables. This would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
healthy food cheaper and more
widely
available than unhealthier options.
Also
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can act by funding leisure
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
, sports clubs and gyms. This money could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
gain motivation to exercise and become more active.

On the other hand
, there are those who claim that obesity is due to lifestyle choice and
therefore
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
problem, not one for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. They claim
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should find their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
motivation to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
obesity by being aware of the
potentially
fatal consequences of their lifestyles.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Individuals
could
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their diets by switching from a carbohydrate
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
heavy diet to one which includes a balance of vitamins and minerals. Joining a sport club need not always be the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to lose weight. Even vigorous housework and heavy gardening can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
avert heart disease.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
may be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
themselves by changing their diets and activities, it may require
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
intervention to tackle obesity
quickly
and on a large scale.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Obesity is now a major global epidemic. What can be done to tackle this increasingly common problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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