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Nowadays a large amount of advertising is aimed at children. Some people think it is negative for children and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Nowadays a large amount of advertising is aimed at children. Some people think it is negative for children and should be banned. v. 1
Today, advertising is all around us. It is aimed at children considerably, which is harmful and should be forbidden. I totally agree with that suggestion. This essay will consider how some advertising is unreliable and its negative impact on children. First of all, it is true that not all advertising is reliable. Advertising companies are sometimes promoting fake production aimed at children. As a result, many families getting trapped with these fake products. Moreover, the product which is being advertised are not only unreliable, but also unhealthy for children. Some parents do not pay attention to the quality of the product before purchasing, especially the products which they saw on TV. For example, fast food is advertised on TV draws children’s attention. As we know fast food is unhealthy and bad for children. On the other hand, it is worth pointing out that there are also arguments supporting the opinion that advertising focused on children can benefit parents. They have a great deal of choices to select because of advertising and they know features of the object they buy. Despite this, an apparent problem with this opinion is child's urge parents to get what they wanted despite product quality. Consequently, advertising agencies achieve their dreams by producing adverts focusing on children. Therefore, banning these kind of advertising is a good idea. In conclusion, children should be protected from unreliable advertising because these adverts might be unhealthy.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, advertising is all around us. It
is aimed
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
considerably
, which is harmful and should
be forbidden
. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that suggestion. This essay will consider how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advertising is unreliable and its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on children.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is true that not all advertising is reliable. Advertising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
promoting fake production aimed at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families getting trapped with these fake
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
which is
being advertised
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
unreliable,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
unhealthy for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
parents do not pay attention to the quality of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
purchasing,
especially
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
which they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
on TV.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food
is advertised
on TV draws
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
attention. As we know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food is unhealthy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for children.

On the other hand
, it is worth pointing out that there are
also
arguments supporting the opinion that advertising focused on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can benefit parents. They have a great deal of choices to select
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
advertising and
they know features of the object they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
. Despite this, an apparent problem with this opinion is child's urge parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
what they wanted despite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
quality.
Consequently
, advertising agencies achieve their dreams by producing adverts focusing on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Therefore
, banning
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of advertising is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be protected
from unreliable advertising
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these adverts might be unhealthy.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Nowadays a large amount of advertising is aimed at children. Some people think it is negative for children and should be banned. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
236 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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