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Number of traffic are growing day by day on roads? What is the reason behind this? How can be solve it? v.1

Number of traffic are growing day by day on roads? What is the reason behind this? How can be solve it? v. 1
Whereas some argue that children should be encouraged by their parents in participating in social activities during free time, others claim that it is fundamental for children to discover by themselves how to fill up their leisure time. In my opinion, while it is important for children to figure it out their own desires, parents should encourage them to participate in group activities. First of all, it is important for a child's development, understanding its own desires. Thus, children need to be given freedom about what to do in their leisure time. For instance, if a child has shown interest in playing football, parents should not only allow but also support the child on doing the activity. Consequently, parents will only be helping their kids on reaching their own desires. On the other hand, the youth are not fully aware about all the possible group activities they can enrol. Hence, it is the parents duty to encourage the youth on participating in group activities. For example, parents could show to their children some social activities, such as ice hockey, card gaming, or even reading groups. Therefore, by presenting options of group activities to their kids parents are somehow encouraging their kids to participate in it. In conclusion, freedom of choice need to be given to children, especially regarding which activities take part in their free time; however, parents need to at least present their children to what activities they can take part in. So, I believe parents should encourage their children to enrol in group activities in leisure time.
Whereas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be encouraged
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
Adverb repetition. Please, verify.
in participating in
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
during free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, others claim that it is fundamental for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to discover by themselves how to fill up their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. In my opinion, while it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to figure it out their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
desires,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should encourage them to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
activities.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for a child's development, understanding its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
desires.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
freedom about what to do in their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
For instance
, if a child has shown interest in playing football,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
support the child on doing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be helping their kids on reaching their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
desires.

On the other hand
, the youth are not
fully
aware about all the possible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
they can enrol.
Hence
, it is the
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "parents'" or "parent's"?
parents
duty to encourage the youth on participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, such as ice hockey, card gaming, or even reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
.
Therefore
, by presenting options of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to their kids
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are somehow encouraging their kids to participate in it.

In conclusion
, freedom of choice need to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
especially
regarding which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
;
however
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
need to at least present their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to enrol in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Number of traffic are growing day by day on roads? What is the reason behind this? How can be solve it? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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