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Some students work while studying. This often results in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v.8

Some students work while studying. This often results in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 8
Some people presume that the tourists from oversea ought to be charged much more than the local ones when visiting cultural and historical destinations. From my point of view, I completely agree with this. First and foremost, local residents should have some privileges when they visit prominent sites because these heritages belong to their ancients and the descendants are encouraged to go there to learn. It comes as no shock that paying less money will foster the number of native visitors come to such places; as a result, those people are going to have considerable opportunities to broaden their knowledge. In comparison with international visitors, appearance of native ones in such attractions is more necessary, therefore the fee for the latter is likely to be lower than the former. For example, the museums in my country opened for free to the citizens while it costs the foreign visitors to go inside. Moreover, it is equal for foreign tourists to pay more than local ones because those people do not pay taxes to protect the sites which the residents living nearby must do. If authorities accelerate the fee for international visitors, they will have a massive budget that could be utilized to preserve and innovate the important attractions. Last but not least, foreign tourists are more potential clients than local ones as they are willing to pay a high fee during their trips. Increasing the payment for services to foreign visitors is deemed practical method for the people living in the vicinity of the destinations to earn money. In conclusion, I believe that it is reasonable for the international tourists to pay more than the local ones for prominent attractions.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
presume that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
from oversea ought to
be charged
much more than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
when visiting cultural and historical destinations. From my point of view, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this.

First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
residents should have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
privileges when they visit prominent sites
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these heritages belong to their ancients and the descendants
are encouraged
to go there to learn. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
as no shock that paying less money will foster the number of native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to such places;
as a result
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are going to have considerable opportunities to broaden their knowledge.
In comparison
with international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
, appearance of native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
in such attractions is more necessary,
therefore
the fee for the latter is likely to be lower than the former.
For example
, the museums in my country opened for free to the citizens while it costs the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
to go inside.

Moreover
, it is equal for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
taxes to protect the sites which the residents living nearby
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
do. If authorities accelerate the fee for international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
, they will have a massive budget that could
be utilized
to preserve and innovate the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
attractions. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
are more potential clients than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
as they are willing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
a high fee during their trips. Increasing the payment for services to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
is deemed
practical method for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in the vicinity of the destinations to earn money.

In conclusion
, I believe that it is reasonable for the international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
more than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
for prominent attractions.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Some students work while studying. This often results in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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