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Number of people who are at high risk due to overweight. what is the reason? v.1

Number of people who are at high risk due to overweight. what is the reason? v. 1
It is a bitter truth that lots of people are suffering from the serious diseases like high blood pressure, obesity due to overweight. There are myriad reasons behind this deplorable condition. I will discuss some of them in the following paragraph and try to give some solution as well. First of all, lack of physical activity in daily routine is a primary reason for the overweight issue. Technology and Automobile revolution make people's life effortless. For example, Since the invention of the motorbike or the car, people are using it to travel very small distance in place of cover the distant by walking. Additionally, unbalanced diet also increases the weight dramatically. From the University research, It has been proven that too much consumption of junk food increases the weight significantly because it is too heavy for the digestive system. By this way, People are getting overweight. Besides, regular physical exercise can reduce the possibility of getting overweight related issues. For example, Daily thirty minutes walk may put you in pink-full health for decades and helps to control the weight of the body. Moreover, balanced and healthy diet can control the weight. For example, Taking the fruits or ample vegetable in the diet and avoid fast food like Pizza, Burger as much as possible. To sum up, Overweight is a serious problem, but It can be possible to avoid by doing exercise regularly and taking healthy food. Everything is a disease which can happen because of human errors
It is a bitter truth that lots of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are suffering from the serious diseases like high blood pressure, obesity due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
. There are myriad reasons behind this deplorable condition. I will discuss
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them in the following paragraph and try to give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solution
as well
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, lack of physical activity in daily routine is a primary reason for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
issue. Technology and Automobile revolution
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life effortless.
For example
, Since the invention of the motorbike or the car,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are using it to travel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
distance in place of cover the distant by walking.
Additionally
, unbalanced diet
also
increases the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
dramatically
. From the University research, It has
been proven
that too much consumption of junk food increases the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
significantly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is too heavy for the digestive system. By this way,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
are getting overweight.

Besides
, regular physical exercise can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the possibility of getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
related issues.
For example
, Daily thirty minutes walk may put you in pink-full health for decades and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to control the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
of the body.
Moreover
, balanced and healthy diet can control the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
.
For example
, Taking the fruits or ample vegetable in the diet and avoid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food like Pizza, Burger as much as possible.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Overweight
is a serious problem,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
It can be possible to avoid by doing exercise
regularly
and taking healthy food. Everything is a disease which can happen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of human
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
errors
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Number of people who are at high risk due to overweight. what is the reason? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
246 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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