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Nuclear technology can be used for the advancement and betterment of the world and at the same time it can be a great threat for the people of the world. Do you support that the nuclear technology should be used for constructive purposes? v.1

Nuclear technology can be used for the advancement and betterment of the world and at the same time it can be a great threat for the people of the world. Do you support that the nuclear technology should be used for constructive purposes? v. 1
It is true that many people select their work which depends mostly on the wage. Because it could be considered as the most crucial factor. I partly agree with this statement because other people decide to choose their career on more other vital concerns rather than money only. On the one hand, there are differences in reasons why somebody should prefer a high-paying profession. One reason is that a wage plays an indispensable part in ensuring a satisfactory standard of existence. Being offered a great salary allows workers to satisfy their basic demands, get a deluxe home and perhaps even go on leisure vacations. Besides, one of the best motivations is a competitive payment. For instance, the leader of an organization may suggest a pay rise to a new assistant who is able to achieve a sales target during the year. This valuable perk will promote the new vending personnel to tackle troublesome and enhance the level of job performance. On the other hand, job seekers have various elements apart from salary to choose a career. Firstly, job satisfaction is especially important when people decide on their occupation. If a person treasures the outside life, he will not be satisfied being an office worker or a teller at the bank, no matter what the pays for both jobs are greatly high. Next, contributing to society is another reason to judge a job. This could bring about a much more advanced society. So, there are many individuals who are volunteers choosing charitable work to do without any payment. The happiest thing they feel is the thank-you smiles from people who are helped. For instance, they take part in helping disabled children in their local areas who are suffering from unhappiness and illness by giving them food, medicine, raise a fund to give these children chances to go to school. Thanks to these helpful actions, most unlucky teenagers to overcome their difficult circumstances and could integrate with the community and even have the opportunity to work like a normal person. In short, it is absolutely true that money can be an essential determinant for numerous people when choosing promised profession, but this does not mean that is the most principal point for everybody in making a career decision.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
select their work which depends
mostly
on the wage.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
it could
be considered
as the most crucial factor. I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
decide to choose their career on more other vital concerns
rather
than money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.

On the one hand, there are differences in reasons why somebody should prefer a high-paying profession. One reason is that a wage plays an indispensable part in ensuring a satisfactory standard of existence.
Being offered
a great salary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
workers to satisfy their basic demands,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a deluxe home and perhaps even go on leisure vacations.
Besides
, one of the best motivations is a competitive payment.
For instance
, the leader of an organization may suggest a pay rise to a new assistant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is able to achieve a sales target during the year. This valuable perk will promote the new vending personnel to tackle troublesome and enhance the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
performance.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
seekers have various elements apart from salary to choose a career.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction is
especially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
decide on their occupation. If a person treasures the outside life, he will not
be satisfied
being an office worker or a teller at the bank, no matter what the pays for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are
greatly
high.
Next
, contributing to society is another reason to judge a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. This could bring about a much more advanced society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are volunteers choosing charitable work to do without any payment. The happiest thing they feel is the thank-you smiles from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
.
For instance
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in helping disabled children in their local areas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are suffering from unhappiness and illness by giving them food, medicine, raise a fund to give these children chances to go to school. Thanks to these helpful actions, most unlucky
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
to overcome their difficult circumstances and could integrate with the community and even have the opportunity to work like a normal person.

In short, it is
absolutely
true that money can be an essential determinant for numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
when choosing promised profession,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this does not mean
that is
the most principal point for everybody in making a career decision.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A man who knows two languages is worth two men.
French Proverb

IELTS essay Nuclear technology can be used for the advancement and betterment of the world and at the same time it can be a great threat for the people of the world. Do you support that the nuclear technology should be used for constructive purposes? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
376 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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