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Nowdays more people are choosing to socialize online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negative development? v.2

Nowdays more people are choosing to socialize online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 2
At present, people are more concerned about the environment and try to reduce the impact on nature from their actions. There is an ongoing debate on that the supermarkets are responsible for minimizing the packaging they used on goods that they sell against the idea that the consumers should not purchase the over-packaged products. I think it is better both store and consumer collaboratively work together and avoiding such packaged items. Undoubtedly, attractive packaging is a marketing gimmick to convince the buyer to purchase. As a result, the marketing and advertising companies promote colourful and eye-catching packaging on the goods. For instance, the iPhone's box is nicely marketed, and not even that, it is wrapped with thin polythene to protect the cardboard box, which is not necessary. Even the cardboard box is also thrown away once it is purchased, adding garbage to the environment. Nevertheless, it is the responsibility of the manufacturer to reduce the unnecessary packaging for the betterment of the mother nature. For instance, instead of colourful wrapping, they can use the same amount of money for digital marketing such as television advertisements and online targeted ads. Hence, the argument of supermarkets reducing the packaging makes sense. Furthermore, the consumer also has a part to play, and they could avoid buying over-packaged goods. For example, recently, the Sri Lankan government imposed a law to stop the manufacturing of plastic bags. Thus, the buyers did not have an option, but to use biodegradable shopping bags. It is evident that the consumer also has a significant role to play in tackling this problem. In conclusion, I firmly believe that both the supermarkets, as well as the consumers, have a significant role in reducing the packaging used in goods in order to reduce the pollution caused by unnecessary packaging.
At present,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are more concerned about the environment and try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the impact on nature from their actions. There is an ongoing debate on that the supermarkets are responsible for minimizing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
packaging
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
that they sell against the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumers
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the over-packaged products. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is better both store and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumer
collaboratively
work together and avoiding such packaged items.

Undoubtedly
, attractive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
packaging
is a marketing gimmick to convince the buyer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
.
As a result
, the marketing and advertising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
promote
Possible spelling mistake. 'colourful' is British English.
colourful
and eye-catching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
packaging
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
.
For instance
, the iPhone's box is
nicely
marketed, and not even that, it
is wrapped
with thin polythene to protect the cardboard box, which is not necessary. Even the cardboard box is
also
thrown away once it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
, adding garbage to the environment.

Nevertheless
, it is the responsibility of the manufacturer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the unnecessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
packaging
for the betterment of the mother nature.
For instance
,
instead
of
Possible spelling mistake. 'colourful' is British English.
colourful
wrapping, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the same amount of money for digital marketing such as television advertisements and online targeted ads.
Hence
, the argument of supermarkets reducing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
packaging
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
sense.

Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumer
also
has a part to play, and they could avoid buying over-packaged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
.
For example
, recently, the Sri Lankan
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
imposed a law to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
the manufacturing of plastic bags.
Thus
, the buyers did not have an option,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
biodegradable shopping bags. It is evident that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumer
also
has a significant role to play in tackling this problem.

In conclusion
, I
firmly
believe that both the supermarkets,
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumers
, have a significant role in reducing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
packaging
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the pollution caused by unnecessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
packaging
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowdays more people are choosing to socialize online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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