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Nowadays young people spend too much of their time in shopping malls Some people fear that this may have negative effects on young people and the society they live in To what extent do you agree or disagree v.2

Nowadays young people spend too much of their time in shopping malls Some people fear that this may have negative effects on young people and the society they live in v. 2
Many argue that the time youngsters spend on shopping malls is too much currently, and this trend can adversely affect the young and the community in the future. Personally, I completely agree with this opinion for some reasons. On the one hand, young people nowadays often spend a huge amount of money in a shopping mall. One of the reasons is that they might be obsessed with buying things such as luxurious clothes or jewelry, which are expensive and not essential to spend money on. For example, many young girls are willing to pay 2000 dollars for a T-shirt that is made of a famous brand only to show it to her friends. Furthermore, the money they have spent is not what they have earned but their parents’ money. Another reason why many malls are attractive to the young is that there are a rising number of fast food restaurants in them where they sell loads of unhealthy food. Having these kinds of food for a long time contributes to the degradation of people’s health. On the one hand, younger people has spent several hours for shopping and gathering eating in the mall centres, which is considered a waste of time. The more time they use for that kind of entertainment, the less precious time they have for other activities studying or travelling. For instance, young people often have no time doing volunteering but a greater amount of time for shopping with their friends at weekends. It is more sensible for each young individuals spending more time for their families and improving their own knowledge by reading books or learning another languages rather than wasting it in shopping malls. Society absolutely gain nothing and cannot make a progress if there are future young generations who are not hard working and lack effort into enhancing the quality of their own lives. In conclusion, I believe that the young should spend less their time for shopping malls because it can have a negative impact on them as well as society as a whole.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
argue that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
youngsters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
is too much
currently
, and this trend can
adversely
affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
and the community in the future.
Personally
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
a huge amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mall
. One of the reasons is that they might
be obsessed
with buying things such as luxurious clothes or jewelry, which are expensive and not essential to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
girls are willing to pay 2000 dollars for a T-shirt that
is made
of a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
brand
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
it to her friends.
Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
they have spent is not what they have earned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their parents’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Another reason why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
are attractive to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
is that there are a rising number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food restaurants in them where they sell loads of unhealthy food. Having these kinds of food for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
contributes to the degradation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
health.

On the one hand, younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
spent several hours for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
and gathering eating in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mall
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
, which
is considered
a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. The more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
for that kind of entertainment, the less precious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they have for other activities studying or travelling.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
have no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "going volunteering".
doing volunteering
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a greater amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
with their friends at weekends. It is more sensible for each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their families and improving their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
knowledge by reading books or learning another languages
rather
than wasting it in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
. Society
absolutely
gain nothing and cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a progress if there are future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generations who are not
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
and lack effort into enhancing the quality of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

In conclusion
, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
less their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on them
as well
as society as a whole.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
41Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays young people spend too much of their time in shopping malls Some people fear that this may have negative effects on young people and the society they live in v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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