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Nowadays young adults seem to prefer to spend their leisure shopping. What are the reasons behind this? Is it a positive or negative development? v.1

Nowadays young adults seem to prefer to spend their leisure shopping. What are the reasons behind this? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 1
It is true that young people like to spend their spare time in shopping Centre. I understand that spending idle time in shopping mall gives them various innovative knowledge of modern technology or traditional and overseas clothes and their qualities. Actually, the modern world has been developing by introducing new technology and fashion for the postmodern time. Although, Children are very curious about knowing in contemporary technology and fashionable clothes. To begin with, there are several reasons, why young pupils prefer their leisure time to spend on shopping Centre. The first and most reason is that by going shopping centre, they can see physically technological gadgets and operation as well as the brand, which enhance their knowledge on modern technological devices and acts that help their future study. It goes without saying that to get practical skill is a good thing, moreover, many business executive bodies give opportunities for children to get recreational indoor activities in their shopping center, where children can enjoy these skills with cheaper of cost. In fact, it attracts children a lot and they want to go there very frequently. Apart from this, modern young generation is very conscious about fashion, however, they want to keep pace with foreign culture and new design of clothes and prestigious brand. In addition, many students spend their leisure time by involving part time work in shopping centre, which help them to maintain their life any difficulty as a financial problem. On the other hand, spending time in a shopping center has had some positive impacts of individual younger adult. Initially, they can come to know a wide range of brand and their quality that make them to choose the right one. Besides, maintaining fashion in tender age, they become quite fashionable and enhance their knowledge about foreign culture, norms and their diversity. After getting vast knowledge on fashion, many young adults, for example, can participate in international fashion events and can get highest award that make them famous in home and abroad. In conclusion, although, young adults have important to know contemporary things. It comes out their inner beauty that helps them to make new objects. To make a modern country is it very important to know diversity throughout the world.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
like to spend their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'Centre' is British English.
Centre
. I understand that spending idle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
mall gives them various innovative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
technology or traditional and overseas clothes and their qualities. Actually, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
world has been developing by introducing new technology and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
for the postmodern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Although,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
curious about knowing in contemporary technology and fashionable clothes.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are several reasons, why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
pupils prefer their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to spend on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'Centre' is British English.
Centre
. The
first
and most reason is that by going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
physically
technological gadgets and operation
as well
as the brand, which enhance their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
technological devices and acts that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their future study. It goes without saying that to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
thing,
moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
business executive bodies give opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
recreational indoor activities in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
center, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can enjoy these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
with cheaper of cost. In fact, it attracts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lot and
they want to go there
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
frequently
. Apart from this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
conscious about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
,
however
, they want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
pace with foreign culture and new design of clothes and prestigious brand.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students spend their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
by involving part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
work in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to maintain their life any difficulty as a financial problem.

On the other hand
, spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
center has had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts of individual younger adult.
Initially
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to know a wide
Possible agreement error. The noun 'brand' seems to be countable; consider using: "range of brands".
range of brand
and their quality that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them to choose the right one.
Besides
, maintaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
in tender age, they become quite fashionable and enhance their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
about foreign culture, norms and their diversity. After getting vast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults,
for example
, can participate in international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
award that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
in home and abroad.

In conclusion
, although,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to know contemporary things. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
out their inner beauty that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
new objects. To
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
country is it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to know diversity throughout the world.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
41Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays young adults seem to prefer to spend their leisure shopping. What are the reasons behind this? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
372 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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