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Nowadays, we can watch entertainment performance on the screen and no need to watch it live. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Nowadays, we can watch entertainment performance on the screen and no need to watch it live. v. 1
It is true that individuals are now able to entertain themselves viewing the shows on TV, with the privilege over attending the live performance. While I assume that watching the shows on the screen is cost effective approach, I also claim live entertainment to provide auditory stress reduction. Thus it seems to me that both views regarding the way of having enjoyment have strong supports which will be analyzed through this essay. On the one hand, individuals tend to save the budget watching the TV shows on the screen. While there is an opportunity for people to enjoy the leisure time staying at home, they are likely to accept this way as it would reduce ticket cost. Human beings can then watch entertainment performances with their family and have a total amusement of sharing time together with the close people away from possible surrounding noises during the live acts. For example, the recent questionnaire in the US revealed that only 30% of the citizens had desire to visit the live concerts or late shows because the rest reported that watching the performances on the screen was superior to spending money for ticket and travel as both of them share the same content. Therefore, people remain at the same financial condition if they observe the shows on the display. On the other hand, individuals would benefit from reducing stress through going to a live entertainment performance. Having shared the moment there, they could enjoy with live atmosphere and then obtain a sufficient emotional support. This might positively result in the mental state as people boost their own mood. To illustrate, the new research of the Duke University reviewed that musical performances decrease the release of cortisol which is known as the stress hormone. In this study of 117 applicants, it was found that participants witnessed a significant decrease in cortisol, even including reduced heart rate and calmer breathing meaning that through attending the live show, the individuals received the considerable power to both mental state and health. Hence, stress is relieved when people have the live performance experiment. To conclude, I feel that both sides of the argument regarding the way of sharing entertainment performances revealed strong examples. Although people save the money watching the shows on the display, the chance of reducing stress hormones is provided for humans who observe the live acts. I thus contend that the scenario of getting entertainment depends on people themselves and they should choose the option under their own circumstances.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
able to entertain themselves viewing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
on TV, with the privilege over attending the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
. While I assume that watching the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
on the screen
is cost
effective approach, I
also
claim
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
entertainment to provide auditory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
reduction.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
it seems to me that both views regarding the way of having enjoyment have strong supports which will
be analyzed
through this essay.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
tend to save the budget watching the TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
on the screen. While there is an opportunity for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to enjoy the leisure time staying at home, they are likely to accept this way as it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
ticket cost. Human beings can then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
with their family and have a total amusement of sharing time together with the close
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
away from possible surrounding noises during the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
acts.
For example
, the recent questionnaire in the US revealed that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
30% of the citizens had desire to visit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
concerts or late
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the rest reported that watching the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
on the screen was superior to spending money for ticket and travel as both of them share the same content.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
remain at the same financial condition if they observe the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
on the display.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
would benefit from reducing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
through going to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
. Having shared the moment there, they could enjoy with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
atmosphere and then obtain a sufficient emotional support. This might
positively
result in the mental state as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
boost their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
mood. To illustrate, the new research of the Duke University reviewed that musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
decrease the release of cortisol which
is known
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
hormone. In this study of 117 applicants, it
was found
that participants witnessed a significant decrease in cortisol, even including
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
heart rate and calmer breathing meaning that through attending the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
show
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
received the considerable power to both mental state and health.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
is relieved
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
experiment.

To conclude
, I feel that both sides of the argument regarding the way of sharing entertainment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performances
revealed strong examples. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
save the money watching the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shows
on the display, the chance of reducing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
hormones
is provided
for humans who observe the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
acts. I
thus
contend that the scenario of getting entertainment depends on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
themselves and
they should choose the option under their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
circumstances.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
39Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay Nowadays, we can watch entertainment performance on the screen and no need to watch it live. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
416 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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