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Nowadays we can watch entertainment performance from the screen Laptops etc and no need to watch it live To what entend do you agree v.1

Nowadays we can watch entertainment performance from the screen Laptops etc and no need to watch it live To what entend do you agree v. 1
Nowadays, it has been observed that work & life balance of an employee is totally disturbed due to the heavy pressure. Because of this scenario, many of them are not able to follow their dreams or passion of their life which is resulting in high stress and mental disorder. I totally agree that these adverse situations outweigh the advantages and thus, I am going to explain the pros and cons of this scenario in the following paragraphs with details. Firstly, in the era of huge competition, everyone wants to stay ahead from the peers to secure their jobs in work areas. Additionally, demands of employers are also increasing day-by-day for the best performance. For example, in a reputed company, senior leader orders their subordinates to finish the task before leaving home and if they fail to fulfil, the consequences could be worse in the annual ratings. These cases are the perfect reflections of highly dissatisfaction. To sum this up, I totally lean towards the view that most of the people stays long in the offices for the task completion. Secondly, on the other hand, these conditions are having some pros too, but it is limited to the employers only. Furthermore, they can fetch more tasks in comparison of peer organisations. For instance, to increase the revenue, if an employer can complete the task within a day, while others can do the same in two days, that employer will surely end up with more funds in the balance sheet. But this advantage is for that company only and their employees will never get any benefit. Thus, people always find themselves on the other side of the river in terms of balance life. As I stated earlier, if the work pressure is high, after one stage, the employee cannot perform well. To conclude, it is having more disadvantage to spend more hours on the job. I personally believe that these scenarios should change, but it will not get corrected in nearby future.
Nowadays, it has
been observed
that work & life balance of an employee is
totally
disturbed due to the heavy pressure.
Because of this
scenario,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them are not able to follow their dreams or passion of their life which is resulting in high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and mental disorder. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that these adverse situations outweigh the advantages and
thus
, I am going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the pros and cons of this scenario in the following paragraphs with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
.

Firstly
, in the era of huge competition, everyone wants to stay ahead from the peers to secure their jobs in work areas.
Additionally
, demands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
are
also
increasing day-by-day for the best performance.
For example
, in a reputed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, senior leader orders their subordinates to finish the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
task
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
leaving home and if they fail to fulfil, the consequences could be worse in the annual ratings. These cases are the perfect reflections of
highly
dissatisfaction. To sum this up, I
totally
lean towards the view that most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
stays long in the offices for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
task
completion.

Secondly
,
on the other hand
, these conditions are having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pros too,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
is limited
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.
Furthermore
, they can fetch more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tasks
in comparison
of peer
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
.
For instance
, to increase the revenue, if an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employer
can complete the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
task
within a day, while others can do the same in two days, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employer
will
surely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up with more funds in the balance sheet.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
this advantage is for that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
and their employees will never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
any benefit.
Thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
always find themselves on the other side of the river in terms of balance life.

As I stated earlier, if the work pressure is high, after one stage, the employee cannot perform well.
To conclude
, it is having more disadvantage to spend more hours on the job. I
personally
believe that these scenarios should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
corrected in nearby future.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Nowadays we can watch entertainment performance from the screen Laptops etc and no need to watch it live To what entend do you agree v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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