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Nowadays, we can watch entertainment performance from the screen and no need to watch it live. To what extend do you agree? v.1

Nowadays, we can watch entertainment performance from the screen and no need to watch it live. v. 1
Technology has been flourishing by leaps and bounds in each area and entertainment is not an exception. Some people believe watching entertainment performances live is unnecessary and we can watch these from the screen. In this essay I will explain why I agree with this notion. Firstly, human life is more globalized than it used to be and most of the entertainers have audiences at all around the world. While it is hard to travel to another country just for a show, watching it online is much easier. In other words, technology is covering the lack of accessibility to these kinds of events. Furthermore, like the recent pandemic, people might be under curfew and not allowed to continue their social activities. In these circumstances, people can watch these from their home. For instance, lots of celebrities are having live-stream concerts from home due to corona virus. On the other hand, technology is improving each day, which means the quality of the recordings are equal to the reality of live performances. Although the environment might not be the same, there will be no technical difference between attending a concert or watching it online with good equipment. There are lots of websites which are aiming to sell tickets for watching shows live from home and tickets are cheap. In conclusion, although the environment might be not the same, people can easily attend these concerts from the comfort of their own homes without risking health or safety. That’s why I firmly believe online shows are a sign of our future with the advantages outweighing the negatives.
Technology has been flourishing by leaps and bounds in each area and entertainment is not an exception.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe watching entertainment performances
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
unnecessary and
we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
these from the screen. In this essay I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion.

Firstly
, human life is more globalized than it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be and most of the entertainers have audiences at all around the world. While it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to travel to another country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
, watching it online is much easier.
In other words
, technology is covering the lack of accessibility to these kinds of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.
Furthermore
, like the recent pandemic,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might be under curfew and not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to continue their social activities. In these circumstances,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
these from their home.
For instance
, lots of celebrities are having
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
-stream concerts from home due to
The term "coronavirus" (= disease) is spelled as one word.
corona virus
.

On the other hand
, technology is improving each day, which means the quality of the recordings are equal to the reality of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
performances. Although the environment might not be the same, there will be no technical difference between attending a concert or watching it online with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
equipment. There are lots of websites which are aiming to sell tickets for watching
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
from home and tickets are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
.

In conclusion
, although the environment might be not the same,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
easily
attend these concerts from the comfort of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
without risking health or safety. That’s why I
firmly
believe online
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
are a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
of our future with the advantages outweighing the negatives.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Nowadays, we can watch entertainment performance from the screen and no need to watch it live. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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