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Nowadays, we can watch entertainment performances from the screen(laptop etc) and no need to watch it live. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Nowadays, we can watch entertainment performances from the screen(laptop etc) and no need to watch it live. v. 1
In the contemporary world, there are some individuals who believe that with the easy availability of entertainment sources, such as TV, computer and many more, the need to watch live performances has reduced. This essay disagrees with the given statement because watching live concerts is associated with thrills and excitement. Moreover, an individual can enjoy with their favourite actors in front of them. First of all, it is undeniable that the entertainment by using media resources is advantageous as a person is free to act accordingly and can recreate himself while sitting at his home. But the thrilling and adventurous experience of the live performance cannot be neglected. Since in the case of actual perception of acts, one can sense a feeling of satisfaction and fulfilment, as one can entertain oneself by actually involving in the dancing, singing, whistling and screaming along with the other audience. For instance, in a real concert of Diljit Dosanjh, a famous Punjabi singer, all the spectators will wave their body at every beat of his song, and also there will be a complete madness in the youth. Therefore, it will be inappropriate to say that live performances have lost their value. Furthermore, it is more likely that a person sees his favourite actors through these shows. There is no doubt that youngsters nowadays follow the celebrities to whom they admire, and often worship them. Hence live shows would always be a wonderful opportunity to turn their imagination into reality. For example, there are numerous people who pay a huge amount of money for tickets to watch Amitabh Bachchan at the Crorepati reality event. To elucidate, no digital sources can replace the merits of enjoying a real show. In conclusion, despite the several advantages of recreation using the modern gadgets, reality shows will maintain their significance. Consequently, discarding the inevitability of live events would definitely not be appropriate, as it involves the fun and confrontation of stars.
In the contemporary world, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals who believe that with the easy availability of entertainment sources, such as TV, computer and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more, the need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
performances has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
. This essay disagrees with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
concerts
is associated
with thrills and excitement.
Moreover
, an individual can enjoy with their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
actors in front of them.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is undeniable that the entertainment by using media resources is advantageous as a person is free to act
accordingly
and can recreate himself while sitting at his home.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the thrilling and adventurous experience of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
performance cannot
be neglected
. Since in the case of actual perception of acts, one can sense a feeling of satisfaction and
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
, as one can entertain oneself by actually involving in the dancing, singing, whistling and screaming along with the other audience.
For instance
, in a real concert of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Diljit
Possible spelling mistake found.
Dosanjh
, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
Punjabi singer, all the spectators will wave their body at every beat of his song, and
also
there will be a complete madness in the youth.
Therefore
, it will be inappropriate to say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
performances have lost their value.

Furthermore
, it is more likely that a person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
his
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
actors through these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
. There is no doubt that youngsters nowadays follow the celebrities to whom they admire, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
worship them.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
would always be a wonderful opportunity to turn their imagination into reality.
For example
, there are numerous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who pay a huge amount of money for tickets to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
Possible spelling mistake found.
Amitabh
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bachchan
at the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Crorepati
reality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
. To elucidate, no digital sources can replace the merits of enjoying a real
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
.

In conclusion
, despite the several advantages of recreation using the modern gadgets, reality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
will maintain their significance.
Consequently
, discarding the inevitability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
would definitely not be appropriate, as it involves the fun and confrontation of stars.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays, we can watch entertainment performances from the screen(laptop etc) and no need to watch it live. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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