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If you have money, would you prefer to buy a house or a business? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v.1

If you have money, would you prefer to buy a house or a business? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v. 1
Over the few past centuries, people who completed formal education were considered to be certainly successful. However, today sees the roaring success of many school dropouts and a sizable percentage of graduates are suffering from unemployment or low incomes. This phenomenon is attributed by various factors and some decisive elements to success rather than qualifications have been identified. Firstly, there are several causes associating with dropouts' accomplishment. First, Dropouts’ success stories are greatly influenced by internal causes. Inborn qualities such as superior intelligence and unexceptional determination make some people successful without obtaining any formal degrees. The famous cases of Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs, et cetera well exemplified the idea. Second, External causes also play a crucial role. Dropouts often undergo less pressure from family’s expectations or student loans, which allow them to experiment new ideas without fearing failure. During their free journey of self-discovery, these people will observe numerous issues of the world and acquire valuable skills for life, which are fundamental for their later career. Secondly, success can be contributed by different factors. In order to be successful, subjective factors such as talents, hard work, ambition and a heated desire to learn are of utmost priority. These help people stand out from innumerable candidates, and motivate them to work relentlessly towards their goals and continually broaden their knowledge. Successful people, varying from entertainment to politics and business all share that these are the key elements to their achievements. The importance of objective factors should not be neglected, too. Sometimes a stroke of luck or a sudden move in the market can remarkably change the situation of a person or an organization. To summarize, the success of school dropouts in particular or anyone in general is the results of both inner and outer causes. However, it is the former that success depends on the most, so people should not wait for their time to come but start working immediately.
Over the few past centuries,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who completed formal education
were considered
to be
certainly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
the roaring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
school dropouts and a sizable percentage of graduates are suffering from unemployment or low incomes. This phenomenon
is attributed
by various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
decisive elements to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
rather
than qualifications have
been identified
.

Firstly
, there are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
associating with dropouts' accomplishment.
First
, Dropouts’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
stories are
greatly
influenced by internal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
. Inborn qualities such as superior intelligence and unexceptional determination
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
without obtaining any formal degrees. The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
cases of Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs,
Possible spelling mistake found.
et cetera
well exemplified the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. Second, External
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
also
play a crucial role. Dropouts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
undergo less pressure from family’s expectations or student loans, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to experiment new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
without fearing failure. During their free journey of self-discovery, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will observe numerous issues of the world and acquire valuable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
for life, which are fundamental for their later career.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
can
be contributed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
. In order to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
, subjective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
such as talents,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work, ambition and a heated desire to learn are of utmost priority. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
stand out from innumerable candidates, and motivate them to work
relentlessly
towards their goals and
continually
broaden their knowledge.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, varying from entertainment to politics and business all share that these are the key elements to their achievements. The importance of objective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
should not
be neglected
, too.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
a stroke of luck or a sudden
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
in the market can
remarkably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the situation of a person or an organization.

To summarize
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
of school dropouts
in particular
or anyone
in general
is the results of both inner and outer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
.
However
, it is the former that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
depends on the most,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not wait for their time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
working immediately.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay If you have money, would you prefer to buy a house or a business? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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