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Nowadays there is an increase in social problems involving young people because more parents spent time at work than with their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give specific reasons and examples to support your answer v.1

Nowadays there is an increase in social problems involving young people because more parents spent time at work than with their children. Give specific reasons and examples to support your answer v. 1
"These days It appears that the youth crime rate in the modern world is increasing at an alarming rate. Some people believe that it is mainly because of the lack of parental supervision of their children. This position will thus be analysed in the following paragraphs, supported by relevant examples. Firstly, parents' increasing occupational commitments has limited their opportunities to educate children on moral qualities parents are left with no time to guide their children about the ethical norms of mankind. When left alone, children may spend their time watching TV or surfing the internet. They may also make friends with people outside of their social network. Such friendships can actually push children into wrong doing. They may develop bad habits like smoking, drinking or substance abuse. Since parents are absent for the most part of the day, they main remain ignorant of their children’s activities until it is too late. Youngsters coming from families where one or both parents are present throughout the day also get into crime. They are misled by several factors, including the violence shown on television and movies. For Example Poverty and lack of educational opportunities are all factors that encourage criminal activity among young people. Moreover, teachers’ role is very important in a child's life. They are the key persons in building a society. But nowadays, they are merely teaching the subjects like Mathematics, Science and languages. They have to teach not only academic lessons which are useful for the future career of students, but also the social and emotional qualities need to improve in a youngster. For example, in the developed countries, children are not respecting their teachers. I recently read a news article about a minor; the child went to school with a gun and shoot a couple of his classmates and a teacher and then he shot himself and died. In conclusion, I strongly believe that inadequate parental guidance is only one of the reasons for crime among young people
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
These days It appears that the youth crime rate in the modern world is increasing at an alarming rate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that it is
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the lack of parental supervision of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This position will
thus
be
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysed' is British English.
analysed
in the following paragraphs, supported by relevant examples.

Firstly
, parents' increasing occupational commitments has limited their opportunities to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on moral qualities parents are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
with no time to guide their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about the ethical norms of mankind. When
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
alone,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may spend their time watching TV or surfing the internet. They may
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
their social network. Such friendships can actually push
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
doing. They may develop
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits like smoking, drinking or substance abuse. Since parents are absent
for the most part
of the day,
Possible mistake. Please verify.
they main
remain ignorant of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
activities until it is too late.

Youngsters coming from families where one or both parents are present throughout the day
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into crime. They
are misled
by several factors, including the violence shown on television and movies.
For Example
Poverty and lack of educational opportunities are all factors that encourage criminal activity among young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Moreover
, teachers’ role is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in a child's life. They are the key persons in building a society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
nowadays, they are
merely
teaching the subjects like Mathematics, Science and languages. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
teach not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
academic lessons which are useful for the future career of students,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the social and emotional qualities need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
in a youngster.
For example
, in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not respecting their teachers. I recently read a news article about a minor; the child went to school with a gun and shoot a couple of his classmates and a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
teacher and
then he shot himself and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that inadequate parental guidance is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one of the reasons for crime among young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays there is an increase in social problems involving young people because more parents spent time at work than with their children. Give specific reasons and examples to support your answer v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
328 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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