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People's shopping habits depend more on the age group they belong to than any other factors. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.8

People's shopping habits depend more on the age group they belong to than any other factors. v. 8
Up to the understanding of some people, the age people belong is the most effective factor which composes the way of their consuming behaviour when they go shopping. I hold that this is an internal reason amongst others; however, there are external elements which should be considered. At the outset, there are internal elements such as age group, education and health which create consumers' habits. Preferring to buy in the morning, grey hairs; for example, are tending to go to the markets themselves in the morning. Attracting to more efficient goods, educated individuals, which already are studying at universities, are buying their daily needs among goods which include discount and for whom the health is their priority, walking through streets are not deficient. Hence, while the age people have, there are other internal factors which build consumers' habits. However, there are external factors like advertisements which play pivotal role in altering daily shopping habits and in many cases alter them. On this wonderful day and age, employing wise and most effective way for advertising, markets; for example, are allocating their time and money to online marketing via the Internet. Not only do they make use of sites and apps such as Facebook and YouTube in which person's interest, but also they are making advertisements wisely due to the fact that they have a crucial role in changing nation's habits. So, sometimes this external factor alters the habits of people in terms of shopping and change their propensities despite their age. To sum up, I deem that although the age which people belong to is impacting their shopping habits, there are other internal and external elements which are substituted habits of buying.
Up to the understanding of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
belong is the most effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
which composes the way of their consuming
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
when they go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. I hold that this is an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
internal
reason amongst others;
however
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
external
elements which should
be considered
.

At the outset, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
internal
elements such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group, education and health which create consumers'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
. Preferring to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
in the morning,
Possible spelling mistake. 'grey' is British English.
grey
hairs;
for example
, are tending to go to the markets themselves in the morning. Attracting to more efficient
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
, educated individuals, which already are studying at universities, are buying their daily needs
Do not mix variants of the same word ('among' and 'amongst') within a single text.
among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
which include discount and for whom the health is their priority, walking through streets are not deficient.
Hence
, while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have, there are other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
internal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
which build consumers' habits.

However
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
like advertisements which play pivotal role in altering daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases alter them. On this wonderful day and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, employing wise and most effective way for advertising, markets;
for example
, are allocating their time and money to online marketing via the Internet. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of sites and apps such as Facebook and YouTube in which person's interest,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they are making advertisements
wisely
due to the fact that they have a crucial role in changing nation's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
alters the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their propensities despite their age.

To sum up, I deem that although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
belong to is impacting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
, there are other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
internal
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
external
elements which
are substituted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
habits
of buying.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay People's shopping habits depend more on the age group they belong to than any other factors. v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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