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Cinema attendance in some countries is on the decline. What do you think are the causes of this development and what measures could be taken to solve it? v.3

Cinema attendance in some countries is on the decline. What do you think are the causes of this development and what measures could be taken to solve it? v. 3
It is believed that the number of people who watch films in cinema has been declining in the past few years. The following essay will discuss in details about reasons why it is decreasing, and some action plans that could be taken to resolve the issue. For a number of reasons, the number of people who go to the cinema has been declining nowadays. Firstly, it is due to home theatre system become more affordable these days. As many electronic retailers offer various kinds of discounts or instalment programs, a lot of people own home theatre devices nowadays, and they choose to watch films at home. Secondly, it is because pirate films are sold freely in some countries, mostly in third world countries. Illegal retailers offer various kinds of movies, from drama, cartoon, action and even ethnic films and the price of these pirate films is very affordable. As a result, the public would choose to buy these films rather than going to the cinema. However, there are several things that the government and people could do to solve the problem. The government should have strict and proper regulations about selling illegal films. Illegal retailers should be closed and the owner should be punished in accordance with the valid regulation. People who purchase or own illegal films should also be given some detentions as well. As for cinema owners, they should have some innovations or upgrade their cinema buildings. For example, they could convert the existing cinema into a 3D cinema and upgrade the sound system to a newer version, as they would attract more visitors. In conclusion, cinema attendances are declining lately, because more people are owning home theatres system and choose to buy illegal films. To solve the issue, cinema owner should upgrade their theatres and the government should make a proper regulation about pirated films.
It
is believed
that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
films in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
has been declining in the past few years. The following essay will discuss in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
about reasons why it is decreasing, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
action plans that could
be taken
to resolve the issue.

For a number of reasons, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who go to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
has been declining nowadays.
Firstly
, it is due to home
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
system become more affordable these days. As
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
electronic retailers offer various kinds of discounts or
Possible spelling mistake. 'instalment' is British English.
instalment
programs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
home
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
devices nowadays, and they choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
films at home.
Secondly
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
pirate films
are sold
freely
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries,
mostly
in third world countries.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Illegal
retailers offer various kinds of movies, from drama, cartoon, action and even ethnic films and the price of these pirate films is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
affordable.
As a result
, the public would choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
these films
rather
than going to the cinema.

However
, there are several things that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could do to solve the problem. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should have strict and proper regulations about selling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illegal
films.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Illegal
retailers should
be closed
and the owner should
be punished
in accordance with the valid regulation.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illegal
films should
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
detentions
as well
. As for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
owners, they should have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
innovations or upgrade their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
buildings.
For example
, they could convert the existing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
into a 3D
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
and upgrade the sound system to a newer version, as they would attract more visitors.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
attendances are declining lately,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
The verb 'owning' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are owning
home
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatres' is British English.
theatres
system and choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
illegal
films. To solve the issue,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
owner should upgrade their
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatres' is British English.
theatres
and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a proper regulation about pirated films.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Cinema attendance in some countries is on the decline. What do you think are the causes of this development and what measures could be taken to solve it? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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