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In the modern world it is possible to shop, work and communicate with people via the internet and live without any face to face with others. Is this a positive or negative development? v.3

In the modern world it is possible to shop, work and communicate with people via the internet and live without any face to face with others. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 3
The past few decades have witnessed the development of internet-based communication, shopping and work through the website without any direct interaction with human. It has several benefits and several disadvantages on the effect in human's life. On the one hand, the development of internet services can be a good sign. First of all, as workers and consumers the internet will help them to save a huge amount of time. In particular, they can do online shopping to buy their daily needs instead of going to a mall or supermarket which will make them more efficient. Furthermore, it can help people to connect with every person from a different county. It will help them to improve their social relationships with different cultures and different languages. Thus, it will make them get more opportunity to learn some new cultures and languages. On the other hand, although there are several positive aspects, there are also a few drawbacks of having less face to face with others. Firstly, people who buy stuff through the online app likely to get the stuff that is different with the picture and lead to the dissatisfaction. Moreover, the relationship through online can cause a variety of social problems. People who makes friends through social media are not genuine. The obvious evidence is that the media carries many horror stories that shows many youngsters fallen as prey to paedophiles. In conclusion, the evolution of internet in term of shopping, working, and communicating can help people makes friends, learns something new. So, I personally think that it is a positive progress in this era.
The past few decades have witnessed the development of internet-based communication, shopping and work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
the website without any direct interaction with human. It has several benefits and several disadvantages on the effect in human's life.

On the one hand, the development of internet services can be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, as workers and consumers the internet will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to save a huge amount of time.
In particular
, they can do online shopping to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
their daily needs
instead
of going to a mall or supermarket which will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them more efficient.
Furthermore
, it can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to connect with every person from a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
county. It will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their social relationships with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
cultures and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
languages.
Thus
, it will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more opportunity to learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
new cultures and languages.

On the other hand
, although there are several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects, there are
also
a few drawbacks of having less face to face with others.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
stuff
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
the online app likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the stuff
that is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
with the picture and lead to the dissatisfaction.
Moreover
, the relationship
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
online can cause a variety of social problems.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who
Did you mean "make"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'People' should be used.
makes
friends
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
social media are not genuine. The obvious evidence is that the media carries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
horror stories that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters fallen as prey to
Possible spelling mistake. 'paedophiles' is British English.
paedophiles
.

In conclusion
, the evolution of internet in term of shopping, working, and communicating can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
makes
friends, learns something new.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
progress in this era.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay In the modern world it is possible to shop, work and communicate with people via the internet and live without any face to face with others. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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