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Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing for example through cellphone tracking and security cameras In many cases the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening Do you think the advant v.2

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing for example through cellphone tracking and security cameras In many cases the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening Do you think the advant v. 2
Teenagers are prohibited by law from leaving school and taking full-time employment in many parts of the world. Having a legislation that bans child labour is not only desirable but necessary because it protects children’s right in education, prevents their exploitation in dangerous industries, and guarantees their physical and emotional welfare. Firstly, it is undeniable that full-time employment interferes with juvenile education. Students who work for long hours do not have enough time to focus on their studies which lead to academic failure. Consequently, their prospect to have a career and financial security will be ruined. Moreover, Research has shown that children who work full-time jobs are more likely to be illiterate and live in poverty as adults. Therefore, laws that restrict youngsters labour are key factors in eradicating illiteracy and poverty. Furthermore, child labour law prevents exploitation of youngsters in hazardous industries. Disadvantaged children in poor countries are routinely forced to work in farms, mines and textile industries for meagre wages. Most of the time they work in dangerous condition for long hours. For instance, children as young as 4 years are forced to work in the cobalt mines in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Cobalt is used to manufacture lithium ion batteries for portable devices such as smartphones, tablets, laptops, and electric cars. Many of those children were injured or died while working in cobalt mines. Recently, major technology corporations such as Apple, Microsoft, and Tesla were sued and accused of driving child exploitation in cobalt mines. To conclude, I believe that having a law that prevents child employment before age 16 is desirable because it protect children against exploitation, and ensure their right in education and a bright future.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
are prohibited
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
from leaving school and taking full-time employment in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parts of the world. Having a legislation that bans
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
desirable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
necessary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it protects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
right in education,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
their exploitation in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
industries, and guarantees their physical and emotional welfare.

Firstly
, it is undeniable that full-time employment interferes with juvenile education. Students who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for long hours do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to focus on their studies which lead to academic failure.
Consequently
, their prospect to have a career and financial security will
be ruined
.
Moreover
, Research has shown that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
full-time jobs are more likely to be illiterate and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in poverty as adults.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laws
that restrict youngsters
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
are key factors in eradicating illiteracy and poverty.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
exploitation of youngsters in hazardous industries. Disadvantaged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in poor countries are
routinely
forced to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in farms, mines and textile industries for
Possible spelling mistake. 'meagre' is British English.
meagre
wages. Most of the time they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
condition for long hours.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as young as 4 years
are forced
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cobalt
mines in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Cobalt
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to manufacture lithium ion batteries for portable devices such as smartphones, tablets, laptops, and electric cars.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
were injured
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
while working in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cobalt
mines. Recently, major technology corporations such as Apple, Microsoft, and Tesla
were sued
and accused of driving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
exploitation in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cobalt
mines.

To conclude
, I believe that having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
employment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
age 16 is desirable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
Did you mean "protects"?
protect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
against exploitation, and ensure their right in education and a bright future.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing for example through cellphone tracking and security cameras In many cases the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening Do you think the advant v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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