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Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advant v.7

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advant v. 7
In this modern world, the average life period of an individual has increased because of the latest development in the health care field. The Increasing life limit had triggers issues. The following essay state some of the issues and the possible steps to lesser the effect of this. Firstly, the predominant issue is the increasing number of retired persons in a country. The authority has to pay pension to all of them for a long time. As a result, the government has to find and dedicate a big amount of budget. Moreover, this huge amount can touch the financial stability of the country. Secondly, as older people are dependent on the younger generation, teenagers have to spend a lot of money and time in supporting the parents. Additionally, it restricts the youth to concentrate on their work and to spend better amount for the next generation's education. There are some feasible measure we can take to overcome these issues. The administrators can increase the retirement age of the citizens. This reduces the financial issue of the country. Furthermore, the government can start provides health care to the elder people in lesser cost, so the children can dedicate their income for the next generation. For example, in India, the retirement age of the employees has been increased to 65 from 60 by giving them a health package in a low cost. In conclusion, rise in the age period has many disadvantages to society and people. However, by implementing certain law can relief the effect of the issues to some extend.
In this modern world, the average life period of an individual has increased
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the latest development in the health care field. The Increasing life limit had triggers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
. The following essay state
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
and the possible steps to lesser the effect of this.

Firstly
, the predominant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
is the increasing number of retired persons in a country. The authority
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
pay pension to all of them for a long time.
As a result
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
find and dedicate a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
amount of budget.
Moreover
, this huge amount can touch the financial stability of the country.

Secondly
, as older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are dependent on the younger generation,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money and time in supporting the parents.
Additionally
, it restricts the youth to concentrate on their work and to spend better amount for the
next
generation's education.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
feasible measure we can take to overcome these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
. The administrators can increase the retirement age of the citizens. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
of the country.
Furthermore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
provides health care to the elder
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in lesser cost,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the children can dedicate their income for the
next
generation.
For example
, in India, the retirement age of the employees has
been increased
to 65 from 60 by giving them a health package in a low cost.

In conclusion
, rise in the age period has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
disadvantages to society and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
However
, by implementing certain law can relief the effect of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean the noun "extent"?
extend
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advant v. 7

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
259 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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