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Nowadays, technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras) In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweighs its disadvantages? v.9

Nowadays, technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras) In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweighs its disadvantages? v. 9
There is no doubt that technology has made it easier for authorities to track anyone. These days it is used to keep an eye on the citizens for what they are doing and saying. Although it has some negatives, but I believe the benefits are much more. This essay will discuss both its advantages and drawbacks. On the one hand, the disadvantage of monitoring individuals without their approval is data privacy. This can be harmful because in some cases, people have sensitive data on their mobile phones. For instance, major mobile companies are forced by the government to put tracking softwares in their devices. This enables them to easily spy on anyone. Although the software is only for the authorities, hackers usually find creative ways to access them. This leads to hacking of all sensitive data. In addition, there are strict rules governing data privacy, which is often neglected by the government. On the other hand, the positive impact of data monitoring is the national security. The tracking of data helps officers to eliminate a threat before it even happens. For example, NSA has access to everybody's social media accounts. They have sophisticated algorithms to tell them about a potential terrorist attack. Furthermore, these machine learning algorithms study data patterns, which can be used for future use. Also, the security camera feed is useful to study a crime scene, and to help catch the criminal. In conclusion, even though the activities government is doing might not be legal and can harm public in some ways, but if national security is at risk, I do not think there is anything more important than that.
There is no doubt that technology has made it easier for authorities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
anyone. These days it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on the citizens for what they are doing and saying. Although it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
negatives,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe the benefits are much more. This essay will discuss both its advantages and drawbacks.

On the one hand, the disadvantage of monitoring individuals without their approval is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
privacy. This can be harmful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have sensitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
on their mobile phones.
For instance
, major mobile
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are forced
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to put tracking
Possible spelling mistake found.
softwares
in their devices. This enables them to
easily
spy on anyone. Although the software is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for the authorities, hackers
usually
find creative ways to access them. This leads to hacking of all sensitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
.
In addition
, there are strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
governing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
privacy, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
neglected by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

On the other hand
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
monitoring is the national security. The tracking of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
officers to eliminate a threat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
it even happens.
For example
, NSA has access to everybody's social media accounts. They have sophisticated algorithms to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
them about a potential terrorist attack.
Furthermore
, these machine learning algorithms study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
patterns, which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for future
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.
Also
, the security camera feed is useful to study a crime scene, and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
catch the criminal.

In conclusion
,
even though
the
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "activities'" or "activity's"?
activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is doing might not be legal and can harm public in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if national security is at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there is anything more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than that.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Nowadays, technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras) In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweighs its disadvantages? v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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