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An increasing number of children are overweight which could result many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and heath care costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem? v.5

An increasing number of children are overweight which could result many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and heath care costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem? v. 5
Obesity in children is increasing these days. This can be detrimental for the health of the kids and the financial costs for the treatment of the diseases can also put pressure on them. According to me, there are multiple reasons for this trend, but parents can easily get the situation in control by taking some efforts. To commence with, according to me, the major reason for obesity in kids is the lack of physical activity. With the advancements in the field of technology, these days they prefer to play video games instead of going out in the parks to play. For example, a study shows that a kid in 1950s used to play outdoors for an average of 5 hours a week, this time has reduced to 2 hours now. Another reason is the consumption of fatty foods. Now, there are so many delicacies which are full of fats and carbohydrates, available to kids, that they are moving away from the healthy foods. As an example, most of the kids these days only want to eat fast food such as pizza, burger, pasta etc. , as the main meals. However, there are solutions existent to keep the kids healthy in modern times as well. Firstly, parents must encourage children to participate in outdoor games. If they are part of any team, then the practice matches will ensure that they are spending an adequate amount of time in exercising. In addition, it will improve their physical and mental health. Secondly, parents need to control the diet of their kids. They can have a diet plan for them and cook meals at home as they will be cooked in better surroundings and with less amount of oil. For instance, as per most of the dieticians, by eating at home as per diet chart, they will get all the nutrients to grow and will have lesser chances to fall prey to obesity. To conclude, in my opinion, there are two major reasons for obesity in children- lack of physical activity and fast food. This can be easily tackled if parents put in efforts to encourage them to participate in sports and cook healthy meals at home.
Obesity in children is increasing these days. This can be detrimental for the health of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
and the financial costs for the treatment of the diseases can
also
put pressure on them.
This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using "in my opinion" or "I think".
According to me
, there are multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
for this trend,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the situation in control by taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
efforts.

To commence with, according to me, the major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
is the lack of physical activity. With the advancements in the field of technology, these days they prefer to play video games
instead
of going out in the parks to play.
For example
, a study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
The article is probably missing here: "in the 1950s".
in 1950s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to play outdoors for an average of 5 hours a week, this time has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
to 2 hours
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is the consumption of fatty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
delicacies which are full of fats and carbohydrates, available to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
, that they are moving away from the healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
. As an example, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
these days
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
want to eat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
such as pizza, burger, pasta etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
as the main meals.

However
, there are solutions existent to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
healthy in modern times
as well
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
encourage children to participate in outdoor games. If they are part of any team, then the practice matches will ensure that they are spending an adequate amount of time in exercising.
In addition
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their physical and mental health.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
need to control the diet of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. They can have a diet plan for them and cook meals at home as they will
be cooked
in better surroundings and with less amount of oil.
For instance
, as per most of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
dieticians
, by eating at home as per diet chart, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
all the nutrients to grow and will have lesser chances to fall prey to obesity.

To conclude
, in my opinion, there are two major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
for obesity in children- lack of physical activity and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. This can be
easily
tackled if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
put in efforts to encourage them to participate in sports and cook healthy meals at home.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay An increasing number of children are overweight which could result many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and heath care costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
363 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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