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Nowadays, some parents pressure their children to be successful. What are the reasons for this? Is this a positive or negative development? v.4

Nowadays, some parents pressure their children to be successful. What are the reasons for this? Is this a positive or negative development? v. 4
It is no doubt that these days violence on television and in computer games is becoming increasingly popular in recent times. However, the question: does it affect negatively on society or not? 0Is one of the most serious issues today. We are going to discuss this phenomenon from both viewpoints and find the solution too. Also, we will see the reason why I agree mostly that this trend of violence will damage us. The first argument suggests that the benefits considerably outweigh the disadvantages. The main reason for believing this is that watching violence on television and in computer games is so exciting especially for an adult. For example, they enjoy watching action movies and play fighting games. Moreover, they deny that seeing violence possible to change behaviour. One good illustration of this is that it extends our imagination. On the other hand, the second argument is considered an opposing case. It is commonly thought of the fact that violence is a far effect on damaging society. People often have this opinion because of badly affect child behaviour, such as fighting with their in the schools and the streets. A second point that people use playing fighting games to waste time as soon as possible. A particular example, students playing instead of studying the whole night. So parents and the government must do their best to control it. In conclusion, we saw that there are no easy answers to these questions. In my opinion, I tend to support the idea of drawbacks of violence are more than advantages but we should put in our consideration that watching violent movies is so interesting. So making a balance between the two sides is the best solution to change our life for the better. This essay explained both ideas and how it is important to limit this trend of violence.
It is no doubt that these
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "days'" or "day's"?
days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
on television and in computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is becoming
increasingly
popular in recent times.
However
, the question: does it affect
negatively
on society or not? 0Is one of the most serious issues
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. We are going to discuss this phenomenon from both viewpoints and find the solution too.
Also
, we will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the reason why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
mostly
that this trend of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
will damage us.

The
first
argument suggests that the benefits
considerably
outweigh the disadvantages. The main reason for believing this is that watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
on television and in computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
exciting
especially
for an adult.
For example
, they enjoy watching action movies and play fighting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Moreover
, they deny that seeing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
possible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this is that it extends our imagination.

On the other hand
, the second argument
is considered
an opposing case. It is
commonly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
of the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
is a far effect on damaging society.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
have this opinion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
badly
affect child
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, such as fighting with their in the schools and the streets. A second point that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
playing fighting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
to waste time as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible. A particular example, students playing
instead
of studying the whole night.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
parents and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
do their best to control it.

In conclusion
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
that there are no easy answers to these questions. In my opinion, I tend to support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of drawbacks of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
are more than advantages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we should put in our consideration that watching violent movies is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
interesting.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
making a balance between the two sides is the best solution to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
our life for the better. This essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and how it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to limit this trend of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays, some parents pressure their children to be successful. What are the reasons for this? Is this a positive or negative development? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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