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Nowadays some parents pressure their children to be successful. What are the reasons for this? Is this a positive or negative development? v.1

Nowadays some parents pressure their children to be successful. What are the reasons for this? Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1
Nurturing the children is one of the most significant responsibilities of parents, and they use different ways in this process. Some parents, these days, put more pressure on their children as they want them to succeed in life. According to my opinion, I think this may have unfavourable effects on children’s future. First of all, The reason why some parents insist their children on achieving success is that probably they had experienced lots of tough situations in life, before reaching their own aims. These parents desire to ease the life for their children, and sometimes force them to learn subjects that are likely to bring them success. For example, an ordinary teacher who works at school intends to see their children as a successful government official. Secondly, These efforts of parents are likely to be detrimental than useful for children, due to their future impacts. Here I am referring to the fact that some parents force the children to give up their favourite activities, like playing musical instruments, and send them to boarding schools, where they learn the knowledge that they have no interest. Thus, they will have to do the job which they do not enjoyment or satisfaction. However, there are some people who argue that parents do this for the sake of the children’s bright future. They feel that providing parents insist them to be successful and help them to overcome barriers at a young age, they will have more chance to succeed. In conclusion, even though parents wish their children to achieve good results and have a good standard of living in the future, I do not believe it is a positive trend, as successful does not mean happy.
Nurturing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is one of the most significant responsibilities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, and they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways in this process.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, these days, put more pressure on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as they want them to succeed in life. According to my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this may have
Possible spelling mistake. 'unfavourable' is British English.
unfavourable
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
future.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, The reason why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
insist their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on achieving success is that
probably
they had experienced lots of tough situations in life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
aims. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
desire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
the life for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
force them to learn subjects that are likely to bring them success.
For example
, an ordinary teacher who works at school intends to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as a successful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
official.

Secondly
, These efforts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are likely to be
Use "(detrimental)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
detrimental
than useful for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, due to their future impacts. Here I am referring to the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
force the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to give up their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
activities, like playing musical instruments, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
them to boarding schools, where they learn the knowledge that they have no interest.
Thus
, they will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do the job which they do not enjoyment or satisfaction.

However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
do this for the sake of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
bright future. They feel that providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
insist them to be successful and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to overcome barriers at a young age, they will have more chance to succeed.

In conclusion
,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
wish their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to achieve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
results and have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
standard of living in the future, I do not believe it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend, as successful does not mean happy.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Nowadays some parents pressure their children to be successful. What are the reasons for this? Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
282 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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