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Nowadays some older people choose to live in the retirement communities with other people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development? v.2

Nowadays some older people choose to live in the retirement communities with other people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development? v. 2
Today populations in many nations such as Japan age rapidly. Where old people should spend their retirement life is a question of great significance not only for them but also for the entire society. Some prefer to live in a retirement centre rather than their own home, and I believe that it is a positive trend. As people get older, they are increasingly prone to a series of medical problems such as cardiovascular disease or cancer. Once they have developed these chronic diseases, they need to take drugs, have frequent medical checkups and receive a specific treatment. While these necessities have become a significant part of many seniors’ life, they present a challenge to many of them because health care requires a great deal of energy and time. If the elderly opt to live in retirement homes, they will be taken care by health professionals so that their health will greatly improve. Apart from receiving proper physical care in their twilight years, relocating to nursing homes is also favourable for the aged to maintain social connections. As people age, there may be situations wherein they feel lonely and depressed. Retirement communities make social activities a priority, making it easier to keep active as they age. By attending exercise classes, musical events, and featured programs, residents can find peers with whom they share the same interest and make friends with them. The busy activity calendar increases the level of social activity and provides entertaining ways for retired persons to socialize. In conclusion, due to the professional care service and social bonds, retirement homes offer, I think living in these institutions can be seen as a positive development because it makes one’s retirement life more enjoyable.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
populations in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations such as Japan age
rapidly
. Where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
life is a question of great significance not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for the entire society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
rather
than their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
home, and I believe that it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend.

As
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older, they are
increasingly
prone to a series of medical problems such as cardiovascular disease or cancer. Once they have developed these chronic diseases, they need to take drugs, have frequent medical checkups and receive a specific treatment. While these necessities have become a significant part of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
seniors’ life, they present a challenge to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
requires a great deal of energy and time. If the elderly opt to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
, they will
be taken
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
by health professionals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that their health will
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
.

Apart from receiving proper physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
in their twilight years, relocating to nursing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
is
also
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
for the aged to maintain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
connections. As
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
age, there may be situations wherein they feel lonely and depressed.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Retirement
communities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
activities a priority, making it easier to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
active as they age. By attending exercise classes, musical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, and featured programs, residents can find peers with whom they share the same interest and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends with them. The busy activity calendar increases the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
activity and provides entertaining ways for retired persons to socialize.

In conclusion
, due to the professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
service and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
bonds,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
offer, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
living in these institutions can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
life more enjoyable.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays some older people choose to live in the retirement communities with other people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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