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Nowadays some older people choose to live in the retirement communities with other people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development？ v.1

Nowadays some older people choose to live in the retirement communities with other people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development？ v. 1
We live in an ever-changing world, society is changing in significant ways. A clear example of this can be seen in the increasing number of people who are choosing to live in the instead of with living with their children. There are 2 main ways which promoting this trend. The reasons for promoting this trend could be divided into two aspects -- the individual and social level. First of all, on an individual level, the burden of taking care of parents could be slightly alleviated with the emerge of retirement communities. There is no denying that it definitely would take a considerable amount of time and energy to take care of their parents. Moreover, in a fast-paced society with fierce competition, young people always devote themselves wholly to their work, so that taking care of the senior is no more than a fantasy. However, such communities could share the shoulder of responsibility of the children by well-organized nursing systems. . Besides, concentrating on the social aspect, chances are high that the retirement communities facilitate much more social bonds. Some experts claim that it could be witnessed a solitude atmosphere among older people based on the reasons that their children cannot spare sufficient time to company with them. Nevertheless, the impression could be broken with communities, boosting the interaction among the retired people. My conclusion is that people loving in the rest home is strongly connect to new pattern family life and social change. Overall, the influences of retirement communities are positive not only for the individual, but also for the whole society.
We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in an ever-changing world, society is changing in significant ways.

A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
example of this can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are choosing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the
instead
of with living with their children.

There are 2 main ways which promoting this trend. The reasons for promoting this trend could
be divided
into two aspects -- the individual and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
level.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, on an individual level, the burden of taking care of parents could be
slightly
alleviated with
After 'the', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'emerge' is correct. If 'emerge' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
the emerge
of retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
. There is no denying that it definitely would take a considerable amount of time and energy to take care of their parents.
Moreover
, in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-paced society with fierce competition, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always devote themselves wholly to their work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that taking care of the senior is no more than a fantasy.
However
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
could share the shoulder of responsibility of the children by well-organized nursing systems.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.


Besides
, concentrating on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
aspect, chances are high that the retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
facilitate much more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
bonds.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
experts claim that it could
be witnessed
a solitude atmosphere among older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
based on the reasons that their children cannot spare sufficient time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
with them.
Nevertheless
, the impression could
be broken
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
, boosting the interaction among the retired
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

My conclusion is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
loving in the rest home is
strongly
Consider using a past participle here: "connected".
connect
to new pattern family life and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
.
Overall
, the influences of retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for the individual,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for the whole society.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Nowadays some older people choose to live in the retirement communities with other people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development？ v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
262 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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