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Nowadays people usually retire at the age of 60 or 65, but some want to keep working as long as they can. Is this a positive or a negative development? Give you own opinion and relevant examples. v.1

Nowadays people usually retire at the age of 60 or 65, but some want to keep working as long as they can. Is this a positive or a negative development? Give you own opinion and relevant examples. v. 1
Different countries have allocated different ages for deciding whether a person is an adult or not. I think an eighteen-year-old is mature enough to be declared legally as an adult since she has sufficient knowledge of the world to make decisions and she is wise to differentiate between right and wrong. By the time a person turns eighteen, she has spent more than 14 years in the formal education system. This gives her sufficient knowledge of a country’s culture, economy, vegetation, politics, and society to make informed decisions. A person at this age has learned about the basics of all subjects. For instance, by this age, most students have sufficient knowledge of the human body to make an informed choice about diet. Similarly, they have also learned about events such as global warming and plastic waste to decide when to use cars and plastic bags. Moreover, most people, by this age, have developed a strong idea of morality. They know enough about honesty, integrity, love, and care to make a wise choice. They have the awareness about the rights of other individuals and know that violating those rights may attract punishment. For example, an eighteen-year-old male knows that rape is a punishable offense and if he violates a woman’s body, he will have to bear its consequences. Similarly, he understands the actions such as theft, violence, and murder and their consequences. Those who are below this age have a fuzzy idea about right and wrong. In conclusion, by the time people turn 18, they have developed the ability to think and make informed choices. This is important to make them independent in life and to transform them into responsible individuals.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Different
countries have allocated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
for deciding whether a person is an adult or not. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
an eighteen-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
is mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
be declared
legally
as an adult since she has sufficient knowledge of the world to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
decisions and
she is wise to differentiate between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
.

By the time a person turns eighteen, she has spent more than 14 years in the formal education system. This gives her sufficient knowledge of a country’s culture, economy, vegetation, politics, and society to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
informed decisions. A person at this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
has learned about the basics of all subjects.
For instance
, by this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, most students have sufficient knowledge of the human body to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
an informed choice about diet.
Similarly
, they have
also
learned about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
such as global warming and plastic waste to decide when to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
cars and plastic bags.

Moreover
, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, by this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, have developed a strong
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of morality. They know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
about honesty, integrity,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
, and care to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a wise choice. They have the awareness about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
of other individuals and know that violating those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
may attract punishment.
For example
, an eighteen-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
male knows that rape is a punishable offense and if he violates a woman’s body, he will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
bear its consequences.
Similarly
, he understands the actions such as theft, violence, and murder and their consequences. Those who are below this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
have a fuzzy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
.

In conclusion
, by the time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
turn 18, they have developed the ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
informed choices. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them independent in life and to transform them into responsible individuals.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A new language is a new life.
Persian Proverb

IELTS essay Nowadays people usually retire at the age of 60 or 65, but some want to keep working as long as they can. Is this a positive or a negative development? Give you own opinion and relevant examples. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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