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Nowadays, people usually retire at the age of 60 or 65. Is this a positive or negative development. Give your opinion with relevant examples. v.1

Nowadays, people usually retire at the age of 60 or 65. Is this a positive or negative development. Give your opinion with relevant examples. v. 1
In the present burgeoning domain, working sector has undergone drastic changes over decades. Presently, working sector is at immense. Folks get retired from their job at the later age. Here, I would like to account for both sides with my own perception. There are manifold point to shore up the former view of the present trend. To start from scratch, grey-haired people have been working in their working segments for several years and they have become a veteran in their field. As, a person who has been working for 20 years in a company, he can make his career more effectively rather than a new employee in the working sector. So that, the senior citizens can do their task more efficiently. Likewise, older people can be a good trainer in a company. So, Gray-haired folks should be permitted to job as long as they want. Numerous points can be mentioned to endorse the latter view. First and foremost, Potential masses say that senior citizen should be retired from working segments at the later stage. Gray-headed people have unhealthy bonding with their young ones due to the generation gap. Thence, senior citizens should retire at the fixed age. So that, new generation gets a chance to perform. From my notion, both sides have their own significance. Undeniably, old folks have a desire to relish their working hours with their peer group. However, new ones should get a chance to act upon their talent. According to my perception, grey-haired don't get financial and social support. Thence, senior citizens do job. To recapitulate, it's unjustifiable to snatch senior citizen's working right at certain retirement age without their own wish.
In the present burgeoning domain,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
sector has undergone drastic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
over decades.
Presently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
sector is at immense. Folks
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
retired from their job at the later age. Here, I would like to account for both sides with my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
perception.

There are manifold point to shore up the former view of the present trend. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
from scratch,
Possible spelling mistake found.
grey-haired
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have been
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
segments for several
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
years and
they have become a veteran in their field. As, a person who has been
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for 20 years in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, he can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
his career more
effectively
rather
than a new employee in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
sector.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
can do their task more
efficiently
.
Likewise
, older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
trainer in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, Gray-haired folks should
be permitted
to job as long as they want.

Numerous points can
be mentioned
to endorse the latter view.
First
and foremost, Potential masses say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizen
should
be retired
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
segments at the later stage. Gray-headed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have unhealthy bonding with their young ones due to the generation gap. Thence,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
should retire at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
age.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that, new generation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
a chance to perform.

From my notion, both sides have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
significance.
Undeniably
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
folks have a desire to relish their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
hours with their peer group.
However
, new ones should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to act upon their talent. According to my perception,
Possible spelling mistake found.
grey-haired
don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
financial and social support. Thence,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
do job.

To recapitulate, it's unjustifiable to snatch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
citizen's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
right at certain retirement age without their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
wish.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay Nowadays, people usually retire at the age of 60 or 65. Is this a positive or negative development. Give your opinion with relevant examples. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
276 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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