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Nowadays people are influenced by fashion, in particular when choosing their clothes and hairstyle. Is this a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your own experience. v.2

Nowadays people are influenced by fashion, in particular when choosing their clothes and hairstyle. Is this a positive or a negative development? v. 2
Clothing has been a great obsession for mankind from the day on which he set foot on this planet. These days, fashion has a great impact on the way people dress up or do their hair. I personally find this a negative development due to several reasons which will be discussed in the following. To begin with, being a fashion icon sets one back in the path toward achieving goals. Firstly, fashion clothes are usually made out of expensive materials such as cashmere or suede, resulting in a hefty price tag on them. Thus, it will cost a fortune does one want to be up to date with the fashion. Secondly, following fashion will take a lot of time from an individual inasmuch as not only is he forced to follow the magazines and latest shows, but he has to take some time to shop and find the right size of clothes. Consequently, money and time, the most valuable assets in modern age, are wasted, which could be simply invested to achieve another goal like buying a better car. Research has shown that people interested in fashion spend 20 percent of their income and 40 hours a month to follow brans and buy clothes. Moreover, following fashion can be harmful for the body and health. As said before, it takes time and money to be fashionable. Therefore, one will be forced to work harder as well as cutting back from other expenses such as going to the gym in order to provide the money needed for buying clothes. As a result, he eventually will quit healthy lifestyle, which will lead to diseases in the long-term. Granted what was aid, it must be taken into account that sometimes people are forced to dress up. In everyone’s life there are some rite of passages in which people wish to be as handsome and good-looking as possible, and as it happens fashionable clothes like tuxedos make people look awesome. To sum up, even though looking good matters, being up to the fashion is a negative development. This will cost one a lot of time and money and can be harmful for his body.
Clothing has been a great obsession for mankind from the day on which he set foot on this planet. These days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
has a great impact on the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
dress up or do their hair. I
personally
find this a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development due to several reasons which will
be discussed
in the following.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
icon sets one back in the path toward achieving goals.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
are
usually
made out of expensive materials such as cashmere or suede, resulting in a hefty price tag on them.
Thus
, it will cost a fortune does one want to be up to date with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
.
Secondly
, following
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
will take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
from an individual inasmuch as not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
is he forced to follow the magazines and latest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to shop and find the right size of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, the most valuable assets in modern age,
are wasted
, which could be
simply
invested to achieve another goal like buying a better car. Research has shown that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
interested in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
spend 20 percent of their income and 40 hours a month to follow
Possible spelling mistake found.
brans
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
clothes.

Moreover
, following
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
can be harmful for the body and health. As said
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, it takes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to be fashionable.
Therefore
, one will
be forced
to work harder
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
well as cutting back from other expenses such as going to the gym in order to provide the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
needed for buying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
.
As a result
, he
eventually
will quit healthy lifestyle, which will lead to diseases in the long-term.

Granted what was aid, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
into account that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are forced
to dress up. In everyone’s life there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "rites"?
rite
of passages in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
wish to be as handsome and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
-looking as possible, and as it happens fashionable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
like tuxedos
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
look awesome.

To sum up,
even though
looking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
matters, being up to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development. This will cost one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and can be harmful for his body.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Nowadays people are influenced by fashion, in particular when choosing their clothes and hairstyle. Is this a positive or a negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
360 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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