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Nowadays parents are sending their children to trips abroad for educational purpose. What are the advantages and disadvantages of it? v.2

Nowadays parents are sending their children to trips abroad for educational purpose. What are the advantages and disadvantages of it? v. 2
Movement of people from one place to another have been on the high side. These could be for business purposes, education or vacation. Presently, wards are now being sent to study outside their home countries by their parents because of certain reasons. One, High level of creativity. Some countries seem to have better and more advanced technology than the others. These are nation's where most of the teaching is done using a computer and students are being taught how to use these new innovations to be creative. An example of such is the recent 3D kidney invention that is being made to match different individual organs, therefore eliminating the issue of finding a match for certain kidney patients. Again, is an information exchange advantage. The students are open to different ideas from people living in different places with different cultural backgrounds. In other words, international students tend to be well informed more than local students. Despite these advantages, there are challenges that could come with this kind of child investment. One of which is the issue of returning back. A lot of international students find it hard to return back to their country because of certain factors like friends and better job opportunities. The urge to remain within their circle of friends as against their family is usually high. These students prefer to sieve all ties with the home country. In addition, is the issue of language. The tendency of picking up the language of the country of study is high and the likely hood of giving up once identity can not be over emphasized. This does not encourage preservation of once culture. Children sent to other countries are usually not under the care of anyone and as such, they find it easy to pick up other people's identity especially when they are being made fun of by friends. Finally, the idea of sending a child abroad for educational purposes will put the child a step ahead of those allowed to study locally, moreover, it is very crucial that they are also under the care of a guardian who is readily available to guide them.
Movement of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from one place to another have been on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
side. These could be for business purposes, education or vacation.
Presently
, wards are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to study outside their home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
by their parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of certain reasons.

One,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
High
level of creativity.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
seem to have better and more advanced technology than the others. These are
Consider using the plural form here: "nations".
nation's
where most of the teaching
is done
using a computer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are
being taught
how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
these new innovations to be creative. An example of such is the recent 3D kidney invention
that is
being made
to match
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
individual organs,
therefore
eliminating the issue of finding a match for certain kidney patients. Again, is an information exchange advantage. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are open to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
living in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
places with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
cultural backgrounds. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
tend to be
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well informed
more than local students.

Despite these advantages, there are challenges that could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
with this kind of child investment. One of which is the issue of
Consider using "returning".
returning back
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
Consider using "return".
return back
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of certain factors like friends and better job opportunities. The urge to remain within their circle of friends as against their family is
usually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
prefer to sieve all ties with the home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
In addition
, is the issue of language. The tendency of picking up the language of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
of study is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
and the likely hood of giving up once identity can not be over emphasized. This does not encourage preservation of once culture. Children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are
usually
not under the care of anyone and as such, they find it easy to pick up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's identity
especially
when they are
being made
fun of by friends.

Finally
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of sending a child abroad for educational purposes will put the child a step ahead of those
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
Did you mean "studying"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'allow' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to study
locally
,
moreover
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial that they are
also
under the care of a guardian who is
readily
available to guide them.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays parents are sending their children to trips abroad for educational purpose. What are the advantages and disadvantages of it? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
355 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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