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Nowadays, not many students are choosing to study science subject in some countries. What are reasons for their choice? What will be effects on their society? v.2

Nowadays, not many students are choosing to study science subject in some countries. What are reasons for their choice? What will be effects on their society? v. 2
In recent years, only a minority of learners tend to study subjects related science, and this seems to be an increasingly common trend in many countries. There are numerous reasons behind this tendency, and I would argue that it has serious negative impact in society. To begin with, the phenomenon can be attributable to two principal factors. Firstly, science is a less attractive subject than other such as art or music. As a matter of fact, it is extremely hard, dry, and simply high requests for all students. As a result, although it is not interesting, people studying science have to try a lot to get a high score. Secondly, job opportunities are also main reason for this issue. In other words, jobs related science are not diversified as well as the less of a chance to have a decent job which lead to the preference for other better subjects. Therefore, instead of choosing a challenging subject like science, they will choose alternative one which is more suitable and easier. On the other hand, the problem of the less of teenagers learning science major can result in some harmful effects. One significant problem may be that the number of individuals working in this major would not be enough. To be more specific, because of the lack of youngsters graduated in this subject, the human resources will be deficient causing the science products do not supply sufficiently to meet the demand of social development. Another negative problem is relevant with the employment of other subjects. It means that there are a redundant manpower in other jobs when almost people focus on different majors beside science. Consequently, the percentage of unemployed people would rise obviously due to the cutthroat competition. In conclusion, the shortage of students choosing science subject is caused by several factors, and this problem might be bring about serious impacts for modern society.
In recent years,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a minority of learners tend to study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
, and this seems to be an
increasingly
common trend in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries. There are numerous reasons behind this tendency, and I would argue that it has serious
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact in society.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the phenomenon can be attributable to two principal factors.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
is a less attractive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
such as art or music. As a matter of fact, it is
extremely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
, dry, and
simply
high requests for all students.
As a result
, although it is not interesting,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
try a lot to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a high score.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities are
also
main reason for this issue. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
are not diversified
as well
as
The phrase 'the less of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'the' and 'of'.
the less of
a chance to have a decent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
which lead to the preference for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
Therefore
,
instead
of choosing a challenging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
, they will choose alternative one which is more suitable and easier.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
of
The phrase 'the less of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'the' and 'of'.
the less of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
major can result in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
harmful effects. One significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
may be that the number of individuals working in this major would not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
. To be more specific,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the lack of youngsters graduated in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
, the human resources will be deficient causing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
products do not supply
sufficiently
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the demand of social development. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is relevant with the employment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. It means that there are a redundant manpower in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
when almost
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
focus on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
majors beside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
.
Consequently
, the percentage of unemployed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would rise
obviously
due to the cutthroat competition.

In conclusion
, the shortage of students choosing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
is caused
by several factors, and this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
might be
Consider using the past participle "brought"?
bring
about serious impacts for modern society.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays, not many students are choosing to study science subject in some countries. What are reasons for their choice? What will be effects on their society? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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