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Nowadays most people wear western clothes rather than their traditional clothes What are the reasons for it Is it a positive or negative development v.1

Nowadays most people wear western clothes rather than their traditional clothes What are the reasons for it Is it a positive or negative development v. 1
Presently, with the advancements in the modern technology people are showing interest to work even on holidays. So, certain people opine that machinery plays a major role in making their lives more tedious. Indeed, the best way to counter these problems to experience their lives by completely eliminating it. I agree with these viewpoints and suggest my opinion. Firstly, the computer plays a major role in every person's life, while most of them cannot imagine their lives without it. Indeed, these devices help them to complete their work easily, but they are causing a lot of damage to their personal lives. A research stated 90% of the people, who were working as software professionals, got divorced because they were not good at managing their social life. Secondly, mobile phones were another devices that cause a huge damage to the public health. So, these devices are considered as the most addictive tools in the modern day gadgets. However, the majority of the tasks in the 20th century had completed by using the mobile phones. Moreover, with the improvements in technology people were able to finish their task within the deadline, but they were not able to improve social communication in society. Though these people earn a plenty of money and stature in their life, but they were not willing to establish new connections in society and to work for the welfare of the surroundings. In conclusion, technology had helped a lot in improving public lives, but people started focusing only on earning money and other activities. Therefore, I consciously believe that the public should start working for the welfare of society and establish a good relationship with their neighbours.
Presently
, with the advancements in the modern technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are showing interest to work even on holidays.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that machinery plays a major role in making their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
more tedious.
Indeed
, the best way to counter these problems to experience their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
by completely eliminating it. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with these viewpoints and suggest my opinion.

Firstly
, the computer plays a major role in every person's life, while most of them cannot imagine their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
without it.
Indeed
, these devices
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to complete their work
easily
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are causing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
damage to their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
A research
stated 90% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who were working as software professionals,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
divorced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they were not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at managing their social life.
Secondly
, mobile phones were another devices that cause
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "huge damage".
a huge damage
to the public health.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, these devices
are considered
as the most addictive tools in the modern day gadgets.
However
, the majority of the tasks in the 20th century had completed by using the mobile phones.

Moreover
, with the improvements in technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were able to finish their task within the deadline,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they were not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
social communication in society. Though these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
earn a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of money and stature in their life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they were not willing to establish new connections in society and to work for the welfare of the surroundings.

In conclusion
, technology had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
a lot in improving public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
focusing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on earning money and other activities.
Therefore
, I
consciously
believe that the public should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
working for the welfare of society and establish a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
relationship with their
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays most people wear western clothes rather than their traditional clothes What are the reasons for it Is it a positive or negative development v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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