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Nowadays, most people try to achieve a balance between work and other parts of their lives. Unfortunately, not many achieve this balance. What are the problems which prevent them? Suggest some solutions. v.2

Nowadays, most people try to achieve a balance between work and other parts of their lives. Unfortunately, not many achieve this balance. What are the problems which prevent them? Suggest some solutions. v. 2
It is true that in contemporary society many people would like to balance work with other commitments and leisure time. While this is not easy to achieve, it is possible to overcome some of the obstacles and enjoy a more balanced lifestyle. There are two aspects of work which make huge demands on employees today. Firstly, the modern working environment can be extremely stressful. Even if employees have a desk job, they may have to cope with a heavy workload, leaving them exhausted at the end of the day. Then, time must be spent commuting home where there is cooking to be done, cleaning and looking after children. Secondly, the workplace is very competitive, and few people are able to pursue a successful career. Many workers put in extra hours, to improve their promotion opportunities and move up the career ladder. However, there are solutions which will contribute towards a better work-life balance. In terms of work, it may be better to have no career ambitions and, instead, to have a steady job with supportive work colleagues. To avoid rush hour traffic jams, flexible working hours would make commuting easier and quicker. From the perspective of life outside work, people would then have the time and energy to take up sport or gentle exercise. The British, for example, love to walk their dogs. Instead of earning high salaries to spend on consumer products, workers could earn less and enjoy simpler lifestyles, with more time for their families or friends. In conclusion, although it is difficult to achieve the right balance between work and other parts of life, it is possible to do so by living more simply with less work-related stress.
It is true that in contemporary society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would like to balance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with other commitments and leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. While this is not easy to achieve, it is possible to overcome
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
obstacles and enjoy a more balanced lifestyle.

There are two aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
huge demands on employees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
Firstly
, the modern working environment can be
extremely
stressful. Even if employees have a desk job, they may
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
cope with a heavy workload, leaving them exhausted at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the day. Then,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be spent
commuting home where there is cooking to
be done
, cleaning and looking after children.
Secondly
, the workplace is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
competitive, and few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are able to pursue a successful career.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
workers put in extra hours, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their promotion opportunities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
up the career ladder.

However
, there are solutions which will contribute towards a better work-life balance. In terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, it may be better to have no career ambitions and,
instead
, to have a steady job with supportive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
colleagues. To avoid rush hour traffic jams, flexible working hours would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
commuting easier and quicker. From the perspective of life outside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would then have the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and energy to take up sport or gentle exercise. The British,
for example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to walk their dogs.
Instead
of earning high salaries to spend on consumer products, workers could earn less and enjoy simpler lifestyles, with more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their families or friends.

In conclusion
, although it is difficult to achieve the right balance between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and other parts of life, it is possible to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
by living more
simply
with less work-related
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays, most people try to achieve a balance between work and other parts of their lives. Unfortunately, not many achieve this balance. What are the problems which prevent them? Suggest some solutions. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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