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Nowadays, more number of crimes are done by teenagers. What are the possible causes and steps to prevent this? v.1

Nowadays, more number of crimes are done by teenagers. What are the possible causes and steps to prevent this? v. 1
It is reported that adolescents perform the majority of the crimes nowadays. Unemployment and readily available arms have played a vital role in the increasing figure of offences. However, there are viable measures that can be taken to overcome this problem. Firstly, an increasing number of crimes have been reported due to unemployment. This is to say that the majority of the teenagers tend to work after their high school either to support their families or to maintain their lavish lifestyles. But most of them don't end up getting an appropriate job which adds to their frustration and eventually forces them to indulge in wrong deeds. For example, it has been reported in a survey conducted by a group of people from the criminal investigation department in Canada that the maximum statistics of offences and suicidal attempts were done by the kids between the ages 13 to 19 as they had no money. Secondly, an easy access to get various weapons has increased the toll of crimes. In other words, since there is no age restriction to buy an arm in most of the countries, teenagers are attracted towards them. Moreover, the kids of this age are short tempered and inflexible to most of the vulnerable situations. As a result, they commit crimes without worrying about the consequences. There are two effective solutions to control the number of crimes committed by adolescents. One way to tackle this is that the government should provide sufficient opportunities for high school students to work and earn money for themselves. By doing this kid of this age will overcome the frustration eventually resulting a decline in the offences. Another way of dealing with this problem, is to have age restrictions set up by the authorities to buy the weapons. This method will hopefully put a hindrance to access the arms as only adults with the license would be able to purchase them. To conclude, money and weapons play a crucial role in the increasing number of crimes by the teenagers. However, the government has an important part to play in the steady decline of these offences.
It
is reported
that adolescents perform the majority of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
nowadays. Unemployment and
readily
available arms have played a vital role in the increasing figure of
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
.
However
, there are viable measures that can
be taken
to overcome this problem.

Firstly
, an increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
have
been reported
due to unemployment. This is to say that the majority of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
tend to work after their high school either to support their families or to maintain their lavish lifestyles.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
most of them don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up getting an appropriate job which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
to their frustration and
eventually
forces them to indulge in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
deeds.
For example
, it has
been reported
in a survey conducted by a group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from the criminal investigation department in Canada that the maximum statistics of
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
and suicidal attempts
were done
by the kids between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
13 to 19 as they had no money.

Secondly
,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "easy access".
an easy access
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
various weapons has increased the toll of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
.
In other words
, since there is no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
restriction to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
an arm in most of the countries,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are attracted
towards them.
Moreover
, the kids of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
are short tempered and inflexible to most of the vulnerable situations.
As a result
, they commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
without worrying about the consequences.

There are two effective solutions to control the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
committed by adolescents.

One way to tackle this is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should provide sufficient opportunities for high school students to work and earn money for themselves. By doing this kid of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
will overcome the frustration
eventually
resulting a decline in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
. Another way of dealing with this problem, is to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
restrictions set up by the authorities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the weapons. This method will
hopefully
put a hindrance to access the arms as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
adults with the license would be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
them.

To conclude
, money and weapons play a crucial role in the increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.
However
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part to play in the steady decline of these
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays, more number of crimes are done by teenagers. What are the possible causes and steps to prevent this? v. 1

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
352 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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