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Nowadays more and more young people hold the important positions in the government. Some people think that is a good thing while others argue that it is not suitable. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.2

Nowadays more and more young people hold the important positions in the government. Some people think that is a good thing while others argue that it is not suitable. v. 2
It is considered by some that many youngsters who played major roles in the government are not qualified enough for the job, while there are others who believe that this is a good situation. In my opinion, some of the young people who do not get the positions through connections are considered good, but the others are still not suitable enough. On the one hand, a lot of young people got selected to govern, such as mayor, governor, and ministry, are decent enough for the job. In other words, people who got elected by the citizens or selected by the president, like ministry, are considered to have enough experience for the role. Take for example, Nadiem who was the co-founder of one of the most successful startup company in Indonesia called 'GOJEK', was selected by the President to become the ministry of education in Indonesia. Even though Nadiem was only around 36 years old at the time he was chosen, which is considerably young for the ministry position. That's why, only judging by the age can not simply pictured how each individual are suited for important government jobs. On the other hand, giving out great responsibilities to people without enough experience is dangerous which is why many young people are still not suitable for the positions. Even if some of the youngsters have contributed and experienced some great roles before, but the amount of things needs to be done in government are on a different level. Due to the amount of obligations in each task, a government need to think carefully before making up each decision. Many groups in younger ages still have problems in controlling emotions. Thus, this could be dangerous, therefore many young people still not qualified for the important roles in government. In overall, even though a lot of young people are still having a hard time to control emotions, but some of the talented youngsters can make up this problem with experience in doing such things before being selected into the position.
It
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
played major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roles
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
are not qualified
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enough
for the job, while there are others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
believe that this is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
situation. In my opinion,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
through connections
are considered
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the others are
still
not suitable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
selected
to govern, such as mayor, governor, and ministry, are decent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enough
for the job. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
elected by the citizens or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
selected
by the president, like ministry,
are considered
to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enough
experience for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
. Take
for example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Nadiem
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
was the co-founder of one of the most successful startup
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
in Indonesia called '
Possible spelling mistake found.
GOJEK
', was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
selected
by the President to become the ministry of education in Indonesia.
Even though
Possible spelling mistake found.
Nadiem
was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
around 36 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
at the time he
was chosen
, which is
considerably
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
for the ministry
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
. That's why,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
judging by the age can not
simply
The verb 'can' requires base form of the verb: "picture"
pictured
how each individual
are suited
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
jobs.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, giving out great responsibilities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enough
experience is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
which is why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
still
not suitable for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
. Even if
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
youngsters have contributed and experienced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roles
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the amount of things needs to
be done
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
are on a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
level. Due to the amount of obligations in each task, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
carefully
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
making up each decision.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
groups in younger ages
still
have problems in controlling emotions.
Thus
, this could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
,
therefore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
still
not qualified for the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roles
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

In
overall
,
even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
still
having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
time to control emotions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
talented youngsters can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
up this problem with experience in doing such things
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
selected
into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
40Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays more and more young people hold the important positions in the government. Some people think that is a good thing while others argue that it is not suitable. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
336 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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