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Nowadays more and more young people hold the important positions in the government. Some people think that is a good thing while others argue that it is not suitable. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Nowadays more and more young people hold the important positions in the government. Some people think that is a good thing while others argue that it is not suitable. v. 1
People's opinion differs as to whether or not young ones should hold prominent positions in government. I have strong arguments in favour of those who say that young generation is not suitable for such jobs. However, I still believe that these people are quite relevant because they are full of enthusiasm and new ideas for giving better direction to any nation. To begin with, those who support that young generation is not appropriate for handling administrative tasks believe that these people are lacking in experience. They do not have long term experience in particular field which make them vulnerable to any risk in future. Secondly, new generation is full of energy and take decisions in haste as per their nature without thinking deeply about any crucial matter. So, well executed decision making ability is necessary which is not so well developed in such persons and elder ones are better at this. In the United Kingdom, about 80 % of the senate members are adults or old age mature persons keeping in view this thing. However, according to second school of thought young blood should be given the opportunity to handle authoritative responsibilities. Because, older people usually face lack of will and innovative ideas which otherwise are plentiful in young ones. Therefore, if younger people are held responsible posts they can show their new thought process, novelty and enthusiasm which can be really helpful to the economic and social welfare of any nation. To conclude, elder people have more experience and skill to handle pressure, whereas youths are better in presenting their fresh ideology and will power to do any work. In my opinion new generation can prove more beneficial by the time they gain sufficient expertise in administration.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
's opinion differs
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
as to whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
ones should hold prominent positions in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. I have strong arguments in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of those who say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation is not suitable for such jobs.
However
, I
still
believe that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are quite relevant
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are full of enthusiasm and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
for giving better direction to any nation.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, those who support that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation is not appropriate for handling administrative tasks believe that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are lacking in experience. They do not have long
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "termed".
term
experience
in particular
field which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them vulnerable to any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
generation is full of energy and take decisions in haste as per their nature without thinking
deeply
about any crucial matter.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, well executed
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
ability is necessary which is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well developed
in such persons and elder ones are better at this. In the United Kingdom, about 80 % of the senate members are adults or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age mature persons keeping in view this thing.

However
, according to second school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
blood should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the opportunity to handle authoritative responsibilities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
usually
face lack of will and innovative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
which
otherwise
are plentiful in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
ones.

Therefore
, if younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are held
responsible posts they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
process, novelty and enthusiasm which can be
really
helpful to the economic and social welfare of any nation.

To conclude
, elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have more experience and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
to handle pressure, whereas youths are better in presenting their fresh ideology and will power to do any work.

In my opinion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
generation can prove more beneficial by the time they gain sufficient expertise in administration.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays more and more young people hold the important positions in the government. Some people think that is a good thing while others argue that it is not suitable. v. 1

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
288 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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