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Nowadays modern gadgets are widely used by young people and the use of these products reduces their creativity. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Nowadays modern gadgets are widely used by young people and the use of these products reduces their creativity. v. 2
Life is a long journey that entails pain, sufferings and lots of difficult situations along the way. While some people just accept those bad periods and get stuck with them, others put their efforts to get past those hurdles. In my view, the latter group of people are the wiser ones. Some people consider bad situations in life as their predestined fates and embrace them with a pessimistic approach. They firmly believe that they cannot overcome these bad patches no matter how hard they try. In times of financial crisis or unsuccessful career, they just sit back thinking these problems would go away on their own. Despite the pain and sadness, they simply prefer not to try to change their conditions by working hard. The situation gets worse as a ramification of their lack of motivation and inactivity. They fail to understand the importance of struggles in life and that the experiences garnered from these difficulties could be a great weapon for future success. On the other hand, there are those people who do not simply give up in these inconvenient periods and combat against them with courage. Although they may be disheartened by the sorrows and sufferings for a brief time, which is very normal, they ultimately lift themselves and focus on to alter their current conditions. They also use these experiences to fight similar future hurdles with a more matured mentality which makes them more successful in the long run. For example, Mark Zuckerberg, one of the most successful entrepreneurs of current times, was dropped out of Harvard University. But instead of sitting back idly, he moved on to work harder and changed his own fate. Thus it is proven that defeating short term hardship makes way for the long term happiness. To conclude, there is no better alternative to overcome the odds in life than working hard. In my opinion, accepting bad phases during the lifelong journey is alright; the problem occurs when people do not make the effort to change them and just sit back like a loser.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Life
is a long journey that entails pain, sufferings and lots of difficult situations along the way. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
accept those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
periods and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
stuck with them, others put their efforts to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
past those hurdles. In my view, the latter group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are the wiser ones.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
situations in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
as their predestined fates and embrace them with a pessimistic approach. They
firmly
believe that they cannot overcome these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
patches no matter how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
they try. In times of financial crisis or unsuccessful career, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
sit back thinking these problems would go away on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. Despite the pain and sadness, they
simply
prefer not to try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their conditions by working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
. The situation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
worse as a ramification of their lack of motivation and inactivity. They fail to understand the importance of struggles in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and that the experiences garnered from these difficulties could be a great weapon for future success.

On the other hand
, there are those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who do not
simply
give up in these inconvenient periods and combat against them with courage. Although they may
be disheartened
by the sorrows and sufferings for a brief time, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
normal, they
ultimately
lift themselves and focus on to alter their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
conditions. They
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
these experiences to fight similar future hurdles with a more matured mentality which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them more successful in the long run.
For example
, Mark Zuckerberg, one of the most successful entrepreneurs of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
times,
was dropped
out of Harvard University.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
instead
of sitting back
idly
, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
on to work harder and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
fate.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
it
is proven
that defeating short term hardship
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
way for the long term happiness.

To conclude
, there is no better alternative to overcome the odds in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
than working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
. In my opinion, accepting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
phases during the lifelong journey is alright; the problem occurs when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the effort to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
them and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
sit back like a loser.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays modern gadgets are widely used by young people and the use of these products reduces their creativity. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
342 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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