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When new towns are planned it is more important to build public parks or sports facilities than shopping centers for people to spend their free time To what extent do you agree or disagree v.1

When new towns are planned it is more important to build public parks or sports facilities than shopping centers for people to spend their free time v. 1
Smartphones have become a vital part of an individual's life. In the era of internet, mobile phones are being used for multiple tasks. The majority of people give cellular phones to their face for various purposes and believe that it is beneficial for them. While others are against this viewpoint. I opine that phones should not be given to the children as this may lead to health issues and elevate dependency child on cell phones. To embark with mobile phones can be used as a source of information for young children. The availability of different videos and audios related to their curriculum helps them to learn concepts fast and easily. For instance, a report of Survey has revealed that children watching rhymes on phones have more sound recognition and easily learn different languages at a tender age. Moreover, there are many children who follow various recreational activities through mobile phones. Dancing and singing are the most common talents, which get flourished by watching videos on mobile. Thus, it is a great platform which gives young stars opportunity to explore interests Despite of the aforementioned benefits of the mobile, there are numerous adverse effects on a child's growth. The most common risk of cell phones used by kids is the radio waves which penetrate deep into the brain and cause multiple health disorders. For example, a paediatrician has claimed that children mobile phones excessively are more prone to ocular problems and anxiety disorders. Another unfortunate impact of portable phones is addiction of using them. Children soon get habitual and mesmerized with vibrant colours of mobile screens which leads to feeling of irritability and impatience. Therefore, to avoid these consequences must not give mobile phones to the children. To conclude, although, there are various benefits of mobile phones. But, detrimental impact on children psychology could not be denied. Hence, parents should teach proper use of smartphone to the children and must set time limits for its use
Smartphones have become a vital part of an individual's life. In the era of internet, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for multiple tasks. The majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
give cellular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to their face for various purposes and believe that it is beneficial for them.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
others are against this viewpoint. I opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as this may lead to health issues and elevate dependency child on cell phones.

To embark with mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a source of information for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The availability of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
videos and audios related to their curriculum
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to learn concepts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
and
easily
.
For instance
, a report of Survey has revealed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
watching rhymes on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
have more sound recognition and
easily
learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
languages at a tender age.
Moreover
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who follow various recreational activities through mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
. Dancing and singing are the most common talents, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
flourished by watching videos on mobile.
Thus
, it is a great platform which gives young stars opportunity to explore interests

Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
the aforementioned benefits of the mobile, there are numerous adverse effects on a child's growth. The most common
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by kids is the radio waves which penetrate deep into the brain and cause multiple health disorders.
For example
, a
Possible spelling mistake found.
paediatrician
has claimed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
excessively
are more prone to ocular problems and anxiety disorders. Another unfortunate impact of portable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
is addiction of using them.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
habitual and mesmerized with vibrant
Possible spelling mistake. 'colours' is British English.
colours
of mobile screens which leads to feeling of irritability and impatience.
Therefore
, to avoid these consequences
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not give mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to the children.

To conclude
, although, there are various benefits of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, detrimental impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
psychology could not
be denied
.
Hence
, parents should teach proper
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of smartphone to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
set time limits for its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay When new towns are planned it is more important to build public parks or sports facilities than shopping centers for people to spend their free time v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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