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Nowadays many young people are attracted to dangerous sports such as snowboarding or mountain biking. What makes these sports so attractive? What measures should be taken to minimize the risks? To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.1

Nowadays many young people are attracted to dangerous sports such as snowboarding or mountain biking. What makes these sports so attractive? What measures should be taken to minimize the risks? with this opinion? v. 1
High adrenaline sport is increasingly becoming a craze with the younger population. These days, kids are attracted to riskier activities like snow skiing and mountain biking. In this essay, I will discuss the reasons for their addiction in these sports and the regulations that are required to be taken to keep everyone involved safe. In fact, there are many reasons which attract these young minds to various dangerous sports. Firstly, it is associated with higher energy, that can attract a huge number of children. For example, it is widely known that teenagers are attracted to high intensity sports rather than slow progressing ones. Secondly, the kids get thrilled as it contains requirements of higher speed like mountain skiing, formula car racing. Finally, the kids in these generations like trying out new things, which their grandparents were never able to try out. Thus, mainly because of the huge involvement of greater speed, energy teenagers are lured to these dangerous sports. Having said that, ensuring their safety and safeguarding the interests of the country's young minds are something that the authorities needs to take, by minimising their risk to health and life. Not only do the federal department needs to bring regulations in place, but also need to check its adherence by the parties regularly. For instance, it is an accepted fact that because of the rules and constant supervision of the Australian Maritime Ministry, they were able to significantly lessen the accidents of the sea surfers in Australia. Additionally, the government could tax these activities more so that the frequency of their participation would gradually go down. To conclude, even though the kids these days are increasingly getting involved in dangerous activities, there are methods that can be adopted to lower its impact. Further, as more and more youth gets addicted to these adventurous ways, the government need to take measures to abolish them.
High adrenaline
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is
increasingly
becoming a craze with the younger population. These days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
are attracted
to riskier activities like snow skiing and mountain biking. In this essay, I will discuss the reasons for their addiction in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and the regulations that
are required
to
be taken
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
everyone involved safe.

In fact, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons which attract these young minds to various
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
Firstly
, it
is associated
with higher energy, that can attract a huge number of children.
For example
, it is
widely
known that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are attracted
to high intensity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
rather
than slow progressing ones.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
thrilled as it contains requirements of higher speed like mountain skiing, formula car racing.
Finally
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
in these generations like trying out new things, which their grandparents were never able to try out.
Thus
,
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the huge involvement of greater speed, energy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are lured
to these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
sports.

Having said that, ensuring their safety and safeguarding the interests of the country's young minds are something that the authorities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to take, by
Possible spelling mistake. 'minimising' is British English.
minimising
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
to health and life. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do the federal department
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to bring regulations in place,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
its adherence by the parties
regularly
.
For instance
, it is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and constant supervision of the Australian Maritime Ministry, they were able to
significantly
lessen the accidents of the sea surfers in Australia.
Additionally
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
could tax these activities more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the frequency of their participation would
gradually
go down.

To conclude
,
even though
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
these days are
increasingly
getting involved in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
activities, there are methods that can
be adopted
to lower its impact.
Further
, as more and more youth
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
addicted to these adventurous ways, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to take measures to abolish them.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Nowadays many young people are attracted to dangerous sports such as snowboarding or mountain biking. What makes these sports so attractive? What measures should be taken to minimize the risks? with this opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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